I’ve been in a period of mourning since the season and perhaps the series finale of Ted Lasso aired. I watch these episodes again and again, catching little things that I might have missed before. I love story. And I love good characters. This show excels at both.
When I stumble upon a gem like this, I love to share it with friends. But several times, when I’d mention it to others, they shared that were offended by it. They didn’t like the language and the sexual content bothered them. One friend commented that Hollywood is trying to make us accept these things as normal.
I remember worrying about loving my addicted loved ones in the middle of active addiction. What if I love them while they are doing things to hurt themselves. Does that suggest that I accept what they are doing? How do I love them right where they are? It was quite a conundrum.
But then, I stumbled upon Greg Boyle, SJ’s book Tattoos on the Heart. In it he had a quote that has completely shifted the way I see and relate to others. Let me share it with you here: “You stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship. You stand with the belligerent, the surly, and the badly behaved until bad behavior is recognized for the language it is: the vocabulary of the deeply wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear.”
― Gregory Boyle
I think Ted Lasso aka Jason Sudeikis understands Father Greg’s idea. Why would I write about all of this on a post for families that love alcoholics? Because if we are bothered by bad behavior and our goal is to try and change the actions of someone in active addiction, we are missing the point.
Let me explain. When I was a young, misbehaving girl, my grandmother would say, “Don’t do that. God won’t like it if you do that.” While she was well-intentioned, her method of trying to change my behavior, also changed my belief in God. In my mind, he was not happy with me. He was looking for me to mess up. I’d better keep him at a distance, I thought.
Is changing a behavior (a wound) worth creating disconnection with God? I believe that had my grandmother understood this concept, she would have been different. She loved the best that she knew how. I learned from her. I loved in much the same way. Until I realized that I was hurting instead of helping.
I love Ted Lasso because he offers an example that we all need. He stands with the poorly behaved, foul-mouthed, sexually promiscuous and doesn’t blink. He is often humiliated by others and still he he doesn’t budge from his conviction that the one humiliating him is especially worthy of love. He encourages. He never forces. He lifts up. He sees. He has healthy boundaries. And he never judges. In this world we need the example of Ted Lasso.
I believe that foul language, sexual promiscuity and a host of other offensive behaviors are merely symptoms. When we get distracted by a symptom and fail to see the problem we lose an opportunity.
What we believe–about God, about ourselves and about others is the basis of our attitudes and actions. If you don’t like the behavior of a loved one. Help them to believe that they are loved. That is where your power lies. Once they begin to believe, change will organically occur as the result of them being able to love themselves again.
Fear is your enemy. Don’t let it stop you from seeing your loved one as God does. Don’t let it stop you from watching a show that teaches you how to love.
Last weekend, I facilitated a 4th step retreat in Atlanta. It was a wonderful weekend. So much growth. In November, I will host a 6th & 7th step retreat. Keep an eye out. I will post the link here as well as on the events page.