14 years ago, I didn’t think that I had a problem. It was my loved ones who needed help. Not me.
Boy was I wrong. If you are new to recovery, this may come as a shock, but we all need recovery. But, what exactly does that look like? Let me share some thoughts, but please bear with me. I promise it is relevant.
I read an article online about a woman now in her 50’s telling the story of almost being murdered at 19 years old. She said that she almost forgot what had happened and even wondered whether it was true or something she’d imagined. She found her roommate from that time, online and reached out to her. The roommate confirmed that it really did happen.
As she thought about her experience, she realized that it affected her more than she realized. You see after she came home, she studied self-defense, became a 4th degree black belt, became a firefighter and began teaching young women self defense classes. She realized that she’d been turning her body into a weapon all of this time.
You might wonder how anyone could forget something as traumatic as that. I remember when we arrived at the first family night at a rehab facility. People in the room were talking about all of the alcoholics in their families. I didn’t think we had alcoholism in our family.
Except for my grandfather who died 11 years before I was born. How could his alcoholism affect me? Oh and two uncles on my dad’s side, that I didn’t really know. An uncle and aunt on my mom’s side drank a lot. We didn’t really call them alcoholics. They were ‘characters’. I also had a sibling who we thought liked to party too much. And several nieces and nephews were sewing their wild oats but we didn’t really have addiction in our family–except for them…
When I say it out loud, it sounds ridiculous. But, I didn’t really think about it much. I honestly did not see a pattern back then. And just like the young woman who realized that she’d spent the better part of her life weaponizing her body, I’d been collecting my own armor.
My weapons were pointed at preventing alcoholism. The first weapon was a geographical cure. I moved away from my hometown just as soon as I was able. Surely, this would prevent the problem. Education was another weapon. If I educated my children in the best schools, that should help us avoid those kinds of problems, right? Then there was the weapon of religion. If I kept my children in church, surely they wouldn’t become an alcoholic. I also kept my kids busy. That was supposed to prevent drug use. I heard it everywhere.
The problem with all of these things is that they fail to understand the problem of addiction. I believe that addiction is dis-ease, dis-order & disconnection in our relationships to God, self & others. Why do I believe this? Because the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous work to restore order, ease and connection in each of those (3) relationships.
People use drugs and alcohol to feel different. People try to fix other people to feel better about themselves. If I want my loved ones to feel at ease with God and themselves, the best thing that I can do is to learn to feel at ease with God and myself. The fruit of those healed relationships will be our ability to be in relationship with others.
And that is what family recovery is all about. Each family member working their own program–staying out of each other’s business. But learning to have boundaries and mutual respect. It is a beautiful thing. Honestly, I’m grateful that I have to work these steps. They have changed my life for the better. They’ve given me a way forward.
If you’re wondering about the picture with Robert Downey, Jr at the Oscars touching his nose when Jimmy Kimmel alluded to his past drug use, let me translate it for you. Robert Downey, Jr has been in recovery since 2003. In recovery rooms when you start talking about someone else an old-timer might just start rubbing their nose with their finger as a sign that anything beyond this point is none of your business.
Family recovery is about minding your own business and letting God and your loved ones mind theirs.