Careful, Your Boundaries Could be Slipping…

Do you ever think that you’re pretty solid in your recovery, only to wake up to an overwhelming feeling of frustration and dissatisfaction? That was my experience these last few weeks. Except this time, I knew that the problem was all me –cue Taylor Swift..

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero… “

Taylor Swift, Anti-Hero

My 12-step friends have reminded me to ‘keep the focus on myself’ enough times over the years, that I knew that the problem was all mine. And, since it is my problem, then I have the power to change things. Good news, right?

Let me give you a little background … For a few months, I’ve had the feeling that my boundaries were slipping, being ignored, trampled on, spat upon, or perhaps even laughed at. It wasn’t any one single person. No, it was many people and so I had to look at the common denominator and that my friends in recovery, was me. So here we are.

My recovery hasn’t completely vanished though. I didn’t yell at people, respond with sarcasm or sit there and keep on taking it. Progress, right? I did pray about it, talk to a program friend and my counselor. I did pray for the people who disrespected my boundary. Still, resentments started building and I didn’t like the way they made me feel.

That is when I did what I always do when I realize that I need to change. I dug out my daily Al-Anon readers (there are 4 of them now) and I went to the index in the back of each book and looked for the word ‘boundaries’. There are exactly 20 readings between 3 of the readers. “One Day at a Time” doesn’t list boundaries in its index. I read and took notes on each of those 20 readings. Then I organized them and hope to share them with you here.

What is the difference between a boundary and a wall?

I began by reading about the difference between a boundary and a wall. This is something familiar to me. It is what I typically hear in the meetings. A wall is solid, rigid and it keeps others out. But, it also keeps me trapped inside.

A boundary is flexible, changeable and movable. Each encounter is an opportunity for me to decide whether to stay open to a person who I am in relationship with or to close the door. Boundaries aren’t a hard and fast rule that applies to everyone all of the time. Because I will need help each time, it is a chance to stay close to my higher power.

Why are Boundaries difficult to embrace?

Why do boundaries seem like such a difficult concept to embrace? Let’s just say that families are complicated. Most families (alcoholic or not) experience some level of dysfunction because, we are all human beings and human beings aren’t perfect.

But, when alcoholism or addiction of any kind are brought into the family system, things get very complicated. Every person in the family tends to either run away from the problem or try to fix it.

Most of us, fall into the’ ‘try to fix it’ category. The chaos of it all creates confusion. Everyone becomes so hyper focused on the alcoholic that without realizing it we’ve become enmeshed. Because our loved ones are such a mess, we take over their responsibilities. Many of us were taught that is the Christian thing to do or that it is the loving thing to do? But is it?

How Do I Know What Boundaries Need Setting ?

To get better, we have to get clear. To get clear, we have to define what is good for me and what is not good for me. This is because you only have the power to change yourself.

Inside and outside of relationships was a new idea for me to explore. From the new daily reader, “A Little Time for Myself–A Collection of Al-Anon Personal Experiences,” I read about (3) types of boundaries to set: boundaries that I set to protect myself from others, boundaries I need to protect others from me and boundaries to keep me from neglecting myself.

This idea came from a writer who felt stuck in her program until she read this sentence in Discovering Choices–Recovery in Relationships, “I had developed patterns of creating false connections with people.” She realized that her people-pleasing ultimately led to feelings of betrayal.

She decided to build a 4th step inventory based on that one quote. She learned that she could have different levels of intimacy with her friends by defining who she felt safe with and who she did not.To be true to herself, she created boundaries with her friends based on who she would be willing to trust. She divided her friends into these categories: those she discussed hobbies with, those she had fun with and those that she could confide in.

I won’t use her categories because I have different needs. You probably have different needs than I do. We each build our list of boundaries based on understanding ourselves first. Understanding myself and my needs helps me to accept life on life’s terms.

Old family systems often make us think that love is to be earned or is conditional. But if I get clear about who I am (a creation of my Higher Power), then I begin to realize that everyone struggles with feeling loved. No matter what I do to try and help another human being, this will not help me feel loved. It is only by loving and accepting myself, right where I am ( as my higher power already does) that I will be capable of accepting love from others.

Where & When to Put Boundaries into Practice

How do we begin to implement our sparkly new boundaries into our lives? Well, let’s start with what we don’t need to do: It is not important to announce at a family meeting, your new boundaries. They don’t care and don’t want to hear about them (Sorry-it is true). Instead, know your limits. Act in a way that supports them.

Knowing your boundaries doesn’t force others to change. It means that you change your response to others by knowing your limits and honoring them. I take care of me by respecting me and the needs that I have. I have to stay present and aware of me. The focus remains on me. I never ever, ever, ever, ever look outside of myself.

I often tell sponsees to start with the deal breakers. These are lines you refuse to cross. The ‘under-no-circumstances’ type of boundary. Cheating and abuse might fall into your deal breaker category. There could be others. The point is to think about the thing that you know that you can’t abide.

Then go to the less pressing needs that you have. Most of us have a deal-breaker kind of boundary. What is the boundary that you need to feel loved and respected? What does a response to disrespectful behavior look like?

It can simply be getting up and walking away from disrespect. No words are necessary. Hanging up the phone on bitter words. Speaking up when someone trash talks you. And if they say that they were joking, having the courage to tell them that it isn’t funny to you.

Boundaries Are Loving & Compassionate

Loving someone means that you are compassionate. The word compassion means ‘to suffer with’. This means that we allow our loved ones the grace to suffer the natural consequences of their actions. It took my own suffering to become miserable enough to have the courage to reach out to God. It is where they will too. I hope you won’t deny them this opportunity.

Last thing, I know this is long but it is important, if you can imagine yourself as your own security guard and do that job, you might just be modeling self-care to others in your family, alcoholic or not. Trade secret: they will not listen to what you say, they will always be watching what you do. So, you do you.

There’s been a big uptick in subscribers to the blog. I have a request for those of you who are new. If you have time, could you please go to Amazon or Barnes & Noble or Good Reads and leave a review for my book, “Helping Families Recover from Addiction”? These reviews are important because the more that I have, the more the book gets moved up the search list so family members can find it. I’d really appreciate your help in getting the word out.

My dream is to take a sledge hammer to the stigma of addiction and with your help, we can begin to create a crack… But, I need your help.

Thank you all for reading and subscribing. This is important work.