I saw this phrase when I was scrolling Instagram yesterday. I liked it so much I shared it on my stories. It resonated with a lot of people there. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, I created my own slide using it. I think it is an iteration of the 12-step phrase, ‘If you spot it, you got it.’
Now let me clear a little something up: if I’m complaining about the weather or the traffic or something that isn’t going the way that I want it to, that is not what I am referring to although it might be good to explore why the weather should be what I want it to be…
What I’m talking about are those times when you see someone behaving in a way that really bugs you. Have you ever asked yourself why? Have you ever explored what it is about their behavior that is so offensive to you and why?
Family members often become so hyper focused on their loved one’s behavior that they deny their own feelings. They push them aside or bury them so deeply that they never deal with them directly. But our feelings don’t just go away. They might just make you sick if you don’t acknowledge them. Or they come out sideways–like when you become irritated by the behavior of others.
Complain: to express grief, pain, or discontent
Merriam Webster
Let’s say that someone isn’t treating you the way that you want to be treated. You may complain about it to others. When you complain, the focus is on the other person and what they are doing. What about you? Why are you allowing another person to treat you in a way that feels harmful to you? What makes you think that you should stay there and take it? You have the ability to hang up the phone, walk away, to refuse that kind of treatment or you can speak up and put up a boundary.
When you complain about others, you fail to see the power that you have. You are depending on them to treat you the way that you feel you should be treated. Instead of complaining, discern what it is that you need. Then ask for it. If you don’t get it, maybe that relationship is not safe for you at this time.
Boundaries clearly expressed, make for healthy relationships. In the gospel of Mark I notice that Jesus asks the blind Bartimaeus, “What do you want me to do for you?” In other words, be clear about what you need. Then ask for it.
Ignatian spirituality has a lot to say about discernment. Learning to look at the ‘interior movements’ or your feelings, emotions, desires, repulsions, and moods. A tool that Ignatius offered to help you figure out what these things mean and what your needs and desires are is the Examen prayer. It is a simple 5 Step Prayer that I will list below.
1. Pray for God’s help
Kevin O’Brien SJ, Ignatian Adventure
2. Give thanks for the gift of this day.
3. Pray over the significant feelings as you replay the day.
4. Rejoice and seek forgiveness
5. Look to tomorrow
In June, I will be back in Atlanta at Ignatius House where I will facilitate a 4th Step retreat using the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous–and some Ignatian spirituality. This is a beautiful practice that helps you dig deep and see what is holding you back from your relationships to God, Self and others. I hope you will join me!
Oh my Jean! i had also seen that same phrase the other day and it really struck me. my needs are not getting met, I need more time with God and allowing myself to get distracted by difficult people and not asking for what I need and complaining about them not be considerate to me. 1st thing i learned in Alanon was to practice keeping the focus on myself. I keep reading this over and over thank you. Have a blessed day!