I talked about sober January last post to give you an overview. Now, let’s get into the nuts and bolts of what that looks like for us. What we need to find sobriety from is our emotions or feelings. If you want to ‘try on sobriety’ for the month of January to see if it is something that you might be able to do or dip your toe into a better way of living–just as those on the other side are doing, what does that mean and what does it look like?
Let me start by reminding you to Keep the Focus on Yourself, because that is the only power you have. You will hear me say this often, but if you forget, watch the video below and just know that the toddler in the video below has a lot to teach us…
The video is funny but, it took me a little time to realize that metaphorically, we are the dad in the car, only a little less calm… Think about that, we are the driver of the car, turned around looking backwards at what we can do for the baby in the car seat, without any regard for where we need to go. It’s not really a problem for the dad of an actual toddler. But for us, it is a wake up call that we shouldn’t do things for our addicted loved ones that they should be doing for themselves.
Let me just tell you that our alcoholic loved ones who may seem like babies while they are under the influence are actually all grown up and they want us (deep down inside) to worry about ourselves. If they want you around it is usually only to help them sustain their habits. Their addicted brains are enslaved and that is their only focus. If you can separate your loved one from his/her addiction and stand up to the addiction, that takes emotion out of the equation. It is easier to stand up to the thing that keeps our loved ones from us.
Sometimes, it’s not just the alcoholic that we are staring at. Sometimes, we are seeking the approval of others. Maybe this is how we felt love or affirmation growing up. Instead of turning around and looking at others, we need to know the we have power when we sit still and look within. Are we trying to do things on our own–just as our addicted loved ones are? If we want them to maintain connection with a higher power, are we?
If you haven’t invited a power that is greater than yourself to walk along this journey with you, you will not experience a sober January. I can promise you that. Next, look inside yourself and start noticing how you feel.
The other day, I went to a restaurant and the server that waited on us told us the specials and took our order and as she was leaving I got a whiff of ‘old alcohol.’ Do you know what that is? It is the smell of alcohol that was consumed at least the day before or perhaps continuously. The person is so saturated with alcohol that it is beginning to seep out of the pores of the person who has been drinking.
My immediate thought was, do her employers know that she is drinking this heavy at work. My second thought was, worry about yourself. It’s none of your business. Before my recovery, I would have stuck with thought number one. I may have taken it upon myself to step into her business.
For me to be emotionally sober, I have to slow things down and pay attention to my feelings (emotions). That smell of old alcohol reminded me of how things used to be years ago and yet those feelings still have the power to put a knot in my stomach, frightening me in a way that makes me cross a boundary into someone else’s business.
Even if my family members were still in active addiction, their drinking is still none of my business because I would still be powerless over it. If I want to eliminate the problems on my side of the street (which is where my power lies) then I need to understand that while I may feel frightened, it doesn’t mean that my actions over another person will keep something bad from happening.
In 12-step rooms everywhere, you will hear them say that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. In the back of daily readers, the indexes will be full of readings on fear. Worry about yourself. Deal with your fear. Manage your emotions. This is emotional sobriety.
Here’s the good news: You can’t change another person. But the changes that you make within yourself, have the power to change others. Change the stimulus, change the reaction.
If you can worry about yourself, not only will you take the pressure off of the alcoholic, you will also be able to live a life that has the capacity to bring you joy–whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. That my friends is a promise.
Happy sober January, y’all. And if you slip, call a friend and get back on that wagon. You can do it!