I’ve been trying to consider the best tips that have helped me in my recovery journey. This nugget was the one that changed me the most. That is why I’m offering it right before your family gathers in for the Thanksgiving holiday.
At my first 12-step meeting, I was surprised to learn that I was supposed to work my own 12-step program. Why did I need to do that when my loved one was the one with the problem? I soon learned that addiction is a family disease.
We all have problems
What does family disease mean? We are in relationship with our family members and friends. The word relate means: (re-to do again and again) and (lat–to carry between). So when we re-lat, we carry information back and fourth between our loved ones. We don’t even need to say a word for this to happen. A scowl or an exaggerated sigh, convey disgust. Crossed arms and refusing to make eye contact, suggest anger. You get the picture.
These kinds of responses come from what the program calls a resentment. The 4th step inventory teaches us that underneath every resentment lies a fear. When we are responding from a place of resentment/fear, we are disconnected from God. That is our spiritual malady. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous calls this shutting ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. Anything that blocks me from connection to God is a spiritual malady. This is my problem.
What is my problem?
Since my loved one also suffers from a spiritual malady, I need to recognize that we are 2 people who are resentful and afraid. If my fear keeps attacking his fear and his fear attacks mine, we don’t really get anywhere. But, if I recognize my fear as a disconnection from God and remedy that problem by asking God to take over the situation then I am taking my power back.
Now that I am connected to God, I give my loved one and his problem to a source that is all powerful. There is a lot of hope in that thought. And, because I see my loved one as someone who experiences the same fear that I do, I move from contempt to compassion.
Franciscan priest and author Richard Rohr said in his book “Breathing Under Water” that ‘People don’t see things as they are, they see things as they are.‘ Each of us sees things through the lens of our personal experiences. When I do the work to learn how my experiences are affecting my life today, I clear the path to connection with God.
Everyone of us has a problem. We all contribute to the disease. I always say that my children never listened to what I said. They did watch what I was doing. Do the work. Heal you. The ripples from the work you do will be worth the work.
I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and pray that if you feel afraid or angry, that you will pause and pray. Let God handle the outcome.