When I was growing up I had a very controlling great aunt who had no children. She was my grandmother’s youngest sister. Because she was unable to have children, she picked favorite nieces and nephews to dote on. If you were one of her ‘favorites’ this devotion came with strings attached.
I remember my grandmother pointing her finger at my mother and saying, “Hazel, if you’re not good to Opal when I am gone, I’ll come back and haunt you.” At the time, we all laughed about it. But, when my grandmother was dying, my aunt wasn’t very kind to her. It was the first time that I saw my mother stop ‘being good to her.’
How do we love our family members? What does it mean to be good to someone? Does it mean that we let them behave any way that they choose? Does it mean we let our loved ones walk all over us? Well, in dysfunctional families the answer is probably yes. My grandmother was a very religious woman and letting my aunt continue to behave badly had somehow been conflated with being the christian thing to do.
As my great aunt got older, she became more demanding. She was rude to people. And she became a very lonely woman. I often think that the loving thing to do; the christian thing to do would have been to put up our boundaries and to tell her the truth.
Are you allowing others to treat you poorly?
My 12-step group helped me to start disentangling myself from the enmeshment of my dysfunctional family. They told me that I needed to put the focus back on myself. I had to learn to listen to my feelings and honor them. Understanding that I have no power over my family members helped me see that my power lies in the actions that I take to care for myself.
Learning to listen to my own needs first, helps me be better to others. My group teaches me how to be a part of a group–family. Paying attention to the way our 12-step group listens to each voice, allows time for each person to speak, respects their need to speak or pass according to their comfort level, will teach us how to go back to our families once we’ve started to heal ourselves.
I don’t believe that anyone sets out to be a dysfunctional family. It’s not like there is one tried and true instruction book. The key to change begins with you. Learn to take care of yourself. Always pray about each of the choices you make. Pray about understanding your feelings. Ask God to guide your boundaries.
Learn to say no. If a family obligation isn’t safe for you –physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally, then give yourself permission to say no to it. Pray for the courage to refuse to accept unacceptable behavior. That is the loving thing to do. Your family member deserves the truth; the hard and unvarnished truth. It may be just the thing they need.
“Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.”
AFG