Behavior Isn’t the Issue, Belief Is…

I’ve been watching a new show called, “Shrinking” on a streaming service (Apple TV) that some may find offensive. It has a lot of language, sex, drugs and alcohol abuse. If you are triggered or offended, you shouldn’t watch it.

In the past, I will admit that the language, sex, and drugs/alcohol would have kept me from watching this show. But I’ve started seeing this kind of behavior in a different light. Before, I was observing from a place of fear and judgment. Now, I am curious. Instead I think, I wonder what happened to them…

Jesuit Priest, Greg Boyle‘s book, Tattoos on the Heart is responsible for changing my life. I do not say that lightly. When my loved ones were in active addiction, I learned to love them right where they were because I observed the way that he talked to and loved the homies. I learned to stop letting bad behavior freak me out. Instead, I sat next to it, hoping to learn what it had to teach me.

“You stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship. You stand with the belligerent, the surly, and the badly behaved until bad behavior is recognized for the language it is: the vocabulary of the deeply wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear.” 

Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of boundless compassion

“Shrinking” is a show about a man who numbs himself after his wife dies in an unexpected accident. In the year that he’s refused to deal with his grief, his daughter starts becoming the caretaker. His neighbor becomes her surrogate parent. Everything starts becoming disordered.

He is a counselor in private practice who grows frustrated, in his unprocessed grief he starts telling his clients what to do instead of sitting with them in this safe space and offering them the autonomy to find their own way towards healing. In recovery language, he tries to be ‘the god of their understanding.’ If you are a family member, who has tried fixing your loved one, this is the cautionary tale that you need to watch.

I spent 5 years volunteering at the county jail. I was asked to teach a class that taught inmates that their behavior exists because of their attitudes and their attitudes are what they are because of the beliefs they have about themselves.

I’ve used this example before but it is pretty easy to understand so I will use it here. Let’s say that you are a little kid and your brother tells you that you are ugly. Maybe he says it more than once. You might start to question if he is right. Perhaps you will unconsciously start changing your behavior around him. Or you might hunch over in an effort to become small and unnoticeable to him. You might stop engaging in conversation around him.

Now let’s say that I am the mom and I call you out on those behaviors. I might say, “Stand up straight.” or “You need to speak up.” If the impetus of these behaviors is the belief that you are ugly, you’re not likely to organically want to have good posture and join in on the conversation. However, the behaviors will self-correct when the beliefs do.

If your addicted loved one has lousy behavior, it is quite likely that they aren’t comfortable in their own skin. There is probably a lot of shame around their past. Calling attention to their behaviors that make you uncomfortable isn’t likely to help the situation. Instead, it might be good if you sit with them in that behavior and look beyond it. Ask God who has offered each of us mercy to help you offer mercy.

If you read the parables of Jesus, you will notice that he does a lot of sitting with: the adulteress, the woman at the well, the tax collectors and even his disciples, some of whom who will deny & betray him. He doesn’t call out behavior until he connects to them in love first.

I know that this is hard to do. Just think about it this way: Your loved one is looking to belong somewhere. Do you want them to connect or reconnect with you or with someone who doesn’t care what they do to themselves? Can you create a safe place for them to rediscover who they are as a child of God?

I see a lot of intolerance in the world today. There is such a great divide. Recovery has a lot to teach us about healing the world that we live in. Let me challenge you to do a little experiment. Notice someone with bad behavior and try to see them as God does. Every time you see them, light up in a way that they feel seen and loved. Observe how they change. Observe how you change…

I’m praying for you.

Remember this is all for the greater glory of God…

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