Be an Observer of Yourself

My dad used to get angry if he thought that one of us kids was being lazy. His anger was over the top. Over the last 13 years I started to understand that as the child of an alcoholic, he had conflated laziness with alcoholism. Since his father’s disease kept him from working, my dad irrationally thought that he could stop alcoholism in its tracks as long as he would work hard.

His idea transferred to his kids; if I keep my kids working, they won’t be alcoholic. As a child of an adult child of an alcoholic, I inherited his unconscious belief system. If I kept my kids working hard in school (grades) and playing hard after school (sports/activities), I shouldn’t have a problem of alcoholism in my home. I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing.

If you follow these posts, you know that I am going to devote an entire year to emotional sobriety. I think that emotional sobriety lies at the heart of recovery. The first post of the year featured my ideas around emotional sobriety. The second post asked the question, what is normal?

This post is going to ask you to notice your feelings as if you were observing them in someone else. When you imagine that your feelings occur in a neutral party, you are less likely to judge. In a psychology setting, a therapist uses unconditional positive regard as a practice to accept the client no matter what they say or do. I want to challenge you to offer that same kind of grace to yourself as you observe your feelings.

In my book, Helping Families Recover from Addiction, I was granted permission from Coleman Barks to use one of the Rumi poems he translated in his book. I want to post it here for you to use as a tool to help you notice what you notice.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness Some momentary awareness comes As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, Who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out
For some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.

Rumi

Notice the last line: ‘Be grateful for whoever comes, Because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.’ This idea shifts the perspective from one of fear to curiosity. What does this feeling have to teach me?

In Ignatian Spirituality, discernment is the tool to help you process your emotions. And, this is the first step in that process. Notice what you notice.

Remember that your feelings are not a reality. They are just feelings. They come and they go. For me, ‘I feel hungry’ often means that I am bored or anxious. Instead of running to the kitchen, I observe: Is my stomach growling? Do I feel full? If I am not hungry I sit alone and notice my other feelings.

I follow the rabbit trail of feelings. I slow things down. I notice how seemingly unrelated things (like the example that begins this post) present themselves together in my mind. I take note. Perhaps, I will journal. I end with a prayer asking God to help me understand what he has for me to learn.