As I was leaving my annual physical, the doctor stopped me in the hallway, “Hey, your labs came back from your last appointment. You’re normal on all tests.”
“Oh that’s good.” Then, I laughed, “Actually that’s a first. I don’t think anyone has ever called me normal before. “My doctor chuckled and said, “Let me clarify. Your results fall within the range on the bell curve.”
Coming out of Denial
I remember when I realized that we weren’t ‘a nice normal family.‘ Waking up from the state of denial is a shocking experience. It was as if I was observing my life outside of my body, thinking that this couldn’t be happening to me. How did we get here? Would we ever be okay again?
Today, I know that on the day that I stopped lying to myself (Didn’t Even Notice I Am Lying), I was closer to normal than I had been all the time that I had my head buried in the sand. I was ashamed of where we were. It felt like everywhere I looked, families seemed so normal compared to us.
Let’s Define Normal
Merriam Webster defines the word normal as lack of deviation from what has been discovered or established as the most usual or expected. Normal is not the ideal. Normal is the category where most participants fall into.
When I attended my first 12-step meeting, everyone there was either a mess or had been one. In that room, I was normal. I felt comfortable with them. That one hour each week was the only time that I felt peace.
In Gabor Mate’s new book, The Myth of Normal:Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture, he says:
“I will make the case that much of what passes for normal in our society is neither healthy nor natural, and that to meet modern society’s criteria for normality is, in many ways, to conform to requirements that are profoundly abnormal in regard to our Nature-given needs–which is to say, unhealthy and harmful on the physiological, mental and even spiritual levels.”
Gabor Mate
Seeing Things Differently
Gradually, I began to question the idea of normal. If being normal was what I was before, abnormal didn’t seem all that bad. I would talk to someone who wasn’t doing the work of recovery and I was reminded of the disharmony that I used to feel.
A 12-step friend and I even coined the term ‘normies’ to refer to those who don’t yet know that they need a program. It isn’t a slam. It is a distinction. While they may look normal on the outside, they are crying out on the inside. When you’ve been there yourself, you recognize it. I wish every person on the planet worked a 12-step program. It has been life-giving.
Sometimes I will mention our family’s past to a ‘normie’ and they will say something like, “Oh, I’m sorry.” I often reply, “Don’t be. I’m grateful for what we went through because of where it brought us.” I mean that.
You see in 12-step rooms, we don’t hide things. We call each other out if we start trying to take God’s job. We confront problems. We talk about feelings. We learn to set boundaries. We acquire new survival skills. We encourage self-care. We offer compassion to the alcoholic. And, we offer a hand to anyone in need.
I’d like to challenge you to rethink your idea of normal. The world’s idea of normal is no longer natural. It’s like we are living out a modern version of “The Emperor’s New Clothes”. Instead, question how you feel physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hope you will continue this journey towards self-awareness with me.