What Does Sobriety Mean to You?

When I first learned of my addicted loved one’s problem, I was furious. I wanted to start taking names. Who was supplying illegal substances to my family member? Shouting and bargaining with my loved one finally produced a name. The name which may or may not be the actual person, provided me with a scapegoat. Unconsciously, I needed someone to blame.

Once I had a target in mind, I hatched a plan. I would go buy blank signs that you stick into the ground, like those used for yard sales. I would get a number of these signs and the biggest Sharpie that I could find. Each sign would have only one or two words written on it so that if you placed one sign after the next you could read this statement as you drove down the road where these illegal substances were available: “Parents did you know that *Charlie sells illegal substances to your children right here on *Maple Lane” I realized that my husband would never let me do this so I started dreaming up a way to sneak out late at night.

When I share this story with groups I speak to, I finish by telling them that when I was plotting these actions, I was stone cold sober. I always pause and then ask, “Or was I?”

The answer would be no, I was not sober (of sound mind). My plan was insane. Nothing good could possibly come from my actions. Luckily for me, either fear helped me to reconsider my actions or God in his mercy opened my eyes to what I was doing. I don’t remember which.

Define Sobriety: Meaning & Scriptural References

When we think of scripture around the subject of alcohol, we tend to remember the verses similar to Ephesians 5:18: ‘And do not get drunk on wine in which lies debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit…’

When you look up the word sober, the definition is always similar to the ones found in Merriam Webster: not intoxicated, abstaining from drinking alcohol or taking intoxicating drugs, refraining from the use of addictive substances or sparing in the use of food or drink. Those are the top three definitions. It is easy to see why we fail to see beyond the phsyical dimension of sobriety.

My first 12-step meeting was confusing to me. Clearly, I was not the one with the problem, I thought. I really believed that I was normal. I thought that my actions were a rational response to our situation. Who wouldn’t be mad? From where I was sitting and most newcomers to the program would agree, physical sobriety is sobriety.

Emotional & Spiritual Sobriety

Over time I came to understand that the real work of my 12-step program (friends & family members) was learning to be both emotionally and spiritually sober. For those who suffer from an addiction to a substance, physical sobriety is the clear and present danger and must be faced first before they can get to work on the root problem.

I was thinking about these things as I walked into mass this morning, praying for God to help me convey the message that has been brewing within me for some time. I stepped onto the sidewalk, walking towards the door when 3 siblings ran past me arguing about who was going to get to press the button (the handicap button) that makes the doors open automatically.

Littlest brother was dragging up the rear, aware that he wasn’t going to make and so he started to cry. He was pleading with his siblings to let him push the button. His cries landed on deaf ears and so when he got to the open doors, he folded his arms across his chest in bold protest and began kicking the doors while screaming.

Folks when you ask God to show you something, hang on. There was no better visual of how ridiculous my actions were than seeing a red-faced crying child kick an inanimate object. I believe that God has the best sense of humor. He helped me see that in those early days, my emotional reaction was at about the same level of maturity as that of a 4 year old child. I was emotionally intoxicated (poisoned). I did not know how to process my feelings.

It is obvious when someone is physically intoxicated. The problem with emotional and spiritual sobriety is that there are so few people doing the work that those irrational actions are common. So many people suffer emotionally and spiritually that they have become ‘the norm’.

When I speak of spiritual sobriety, I think of myself trying to fix our situation alone. I conjured up the insane plan on my own. I didn’t want to involve God because I was afraid of what he might ask me to do. My fear of God (action) was speaking the truth about my trust (belief) in him. I didn’t trust God and yet I trusted myself with this big, life-threatening problem. How dis-ordered is that?

On this Ephipany Sunday, our priest shared some of Pope Francis’ homily that seemed relevant to the topic of sobriety. He talked about how the Magi found the Lord because of their ‘a restless questioning.’ They were smart and affluent men who didn’t have to seek Jesus. But they listened to the questions inside of their hearts. “Where is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we have seen his star…” (Mt 2:2). If we are still and quiet, our restlessness drives us to ask these questions: Who am I?, Who is God? and what is our relationship like?

Our society suggests that we can ‘feel the way that we want’ by buying this product or consuming this kind of food or supplement. Our focus on mindless scrolling or binge-watching television, earbuds in listening to a constant stream of music or political bickering or a fixation with having the perfect body, or defying age, wearing a stylish wardrobe or any other thing that keeps us from getting still and quiet, keep us from hearing the questions that reside deep within our heart. We constantly numb ourselves to the feelings in our soul.

There is no wonder why we are blind to the emotional and spiritual realm of sobriety. Let’s look at the scripture from Ephesians again. This time let’s focus on verse 17. “Therefore do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what is the will of the Lord. And do not get drunk on wine, in which lies the debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit…” or look at this passage from 1 Timothy 3:2: “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach”

These 2 passages help us to see that spiritual sobriety (Understanding the will of the Lord) and emotional sobriety (sober-minded) are addressed in scripture as well as physical sobriety.

This calendar year (2023), I hope to focus on Emotional and Spiritual sobriety. Sometimes it’s hard to see the necessity of this work. Try thinking about it like this. If my loved one is in active addiction (intoxicated) and I am emotionally or spiritually intoxicated there are no sound minds in the room. But if I work on my sobriety to my feelings or my relationship to God, the dynamic changes. It is slow work but it pays off in spades.

Please invite your friends to follow us along with us this year. These messages can help every person. I hope to get some guest writers to contribute for some fresh perspectives. We have so much to talk about!

*names changed