I got a call from someone lost. I will call the person, Joe. Joe was at his bottom. He’d run out of ideas. He’d tried everything he could to help his loved one deal with their addiction. He’d exhausted every idea within HIS power and he came up short. So he reached out for help.
Realizing our powerlessness is the first step towards healing. When we run out of ideas, then the real work begins. I confirmed to him what he was already experiencing; that he was powerless over his loved one. But, the good news, I said, is that you’re not powerless over yourself.
You can make changes for your life, I said excited. Joe replied, “I just don’t know what I did wrong…” He started to sob. “Let’s turn the focus back to you.” I said. “Remember you are powerless over the alcoholic. But, you can make changes for your life. And I believe that those changes have the power to change the entire situation.”
Joe continued on as if I’d never said a word. I interrupted him, “Joe, quite frankly, you don’t have enough power to make someone drink.” I said. Then I waited. I hate starting out tough. But sometimes, we need a jolt of truth to wake us up. “You don’t have the power to make someone drink or not drink.” You only have enough power to change you.
“Can you do one thing for me until you get to a 12-step meeting?” I asked. He was still sobbing but muttered, “Sure.” I really hoped he was listening, but I was as powerless over Joe as he was his loved one so in faith, I cast out a tiny seed of hope…
“Joe, when you think of your loved one, which seems to be all of the time right now–and no judgment because I did that too, I want you to take that energy that you want so desperately to use to help them and go find someone else that really needs it and use it for them.”
“Okay.” He said, not convincing me that he was buying in. “Someone in your circle of friends and family members needs a card or a visit. Maybe they could use a casserole. Using your energy where it is most effective will help you heal. It will help others and most importantly, it is a way for you to release the death grip that you have on your addicted loved one… I know this because that is how I was able to turn the focus back to myself.”
I couldn’t help my loved one, but I could help someone else’s. That was what I had the power to do. Early on boundaries are nonexistent for many of us. I’d never been successful at defining or enforcing boundaries. This little means of redirection, helped me to learn to only help those who wanted it. It was a way for me to mind my own business.
As soon as I got out of God’s way, he and my loved one had the space to do the work that they needed to do. As a result, my loved one might find a way to heal, someone that needed help got it and I began to learn about myself and what needed healing in my life. Win. Win. Win.
Are you getting in God’s way? There’s an easy solution. Bring the focus back to yourself.