I remember thinking that when my loved one stopped drinking, that our problems would be over…
I’ve since learned how naive this kind of thinking is. If you are new to recovery, you need to know that drugs and alcohol are not the problem. They are a symptom. And while the symptom causes additional problems, it is not the root cause.
Both the alcoholic and the family members need recovery. Since there is this unconscious notion that once the drinking stops, the problems cease to exist, it might be better to think of recovery as reconstruction.
My husband’s office was hit by a E-5 tornado back in 2006. In a little less than one minute, high winds shook and stressed the structure, destroying some parts while sparing others. Once the wind stopped, we came out of the one interior room that was untouched to see the chaos and mess left behind.
While the winds had stopped blowing, debris was everywhere. What could be saved? What needed throwing out? How could we rebuild? It all felt overwhelming. This is what recovery is. It’s not just about their drinking. It’s not just about our need to fix or control.
It’s about looking at ourselves in an objective, nonjudgmental way to decide which parts of us have been harmed. Am I still reacting to something from childhood? What survival skills are still useful? Which ones keep me from growing? Am I living my life with intention? Or am I living in response to the world around me?
Reconstruction must start with a firm foundation: are you in charge or are you allowing God to be in charge? Nothing gets rebuilt if you are the god of your understanding. Nothing heals if you are running the show.
Next, we take stock of what remains. Is it useful? Is it getting in your way? A good 4th step helps you realize that you are not a bad person. You are a sick person. Family members, I’m looking at you: you are just in need of this inventory as your loved one is.
Reconstruction requires we tear down the things that lack structural integrity before we build back. The 4th step is the method we use to decide what things help us and which things hurt us. It isn’t about good or bad. We are all God’s children doing the best that we can but if it’s not working, now is the time to learn what it is that keeps causing us to stumble.
We do this step with the same love and kindness that we would offer to someone we love. Once we see our part, it helps us see our loved ones with compassion. In a compassionate environment, families can heal.
If you are struggling as a family, I’d like to invite you to a 4th step retreat that I am offering at Ignatius House, Atlanta, Georgia in a a little over a week. I will provide the link here. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that the goal of a 4th step is to master resentments and to outgrow fear. Doesn’t that sound freeing? Please pray about it and if you feel called join me in Atlanta.
