We have always had horses. My husband grew up with them. I am afraid…still. A few years ago, I decided to try again to overcome some of my fears so I took some lessons from on older cowboy that we knew. I understood that it would be important to start on the ground and learn the basics if I was ever going to gain any confidence.
The horse that I chose to work with was new to our farm. His name was Bo and he was just about as green as I was. Seasoned horse people know better than to put an inexperienced horse with an inexperienced rider. But, we bought Bo at a sale and did not know his true personality until we got him home. Then we learned that he was afraid of his shadow. It turns out that I was too.
As I was leading Bo down the aisle-way of the barn, he kept trying to walk right on top of me. I would tug at his lead rope and scold him. This happened over and over again. The cowboy stopped, looked at me and said, “Would you quit nagging him?” My mouth dropped open and on this rare occasion, I was speechless.
He continued, “If you want to stop a behavior, make sure he knows what you want.” He took the lead rope from me and when this one thousand pound animal stepped too close to his heels, he took the crop that he was carrying and leveled one firm, swat across his legs, turned and kept going. Bo kept his distance.
“Imagine that there is a hoola-hoop around your body. He shouldn’t go beyond the boundary of that hoola-hoop unless you invite him in. If he does, tell him ‘no’ so that it is clear and he knows what you mean and then forget it.” He said.
He handed me back the lead rope and walked away. I have remembered that lesson in many areas of my life. But, it wasn’t until I began a twelve-step program and was introduced to the idea of boundaries that I thought of it with my loved ones. I was the mom. I was realizing that there were no boundaries in my closest relationships. I thought that boundaries were wrong in that instance. Wasn’t I supposed to be selfless?
In the past, I tended to think of the Ten Commandments and other rules as something constrictive or confining. But, after time in my program, I am learning to see them as the boundaries that are put in place that allow me to be free. If I don’t want to watch as a loved one continues to harm himself, then I put a boundary in place, tell him about it and continue to go about my business. But, I hold that boundary firm.
Bo tested my new boundary. He knew that I was a pushover. I held firm. There is always resistance at first. Until I create a new history, others will expect what I have always done.
In this the season of Lent, it is time that we examine our conscience to prepare for the sacrament of confession. I am beginning to see the commandments in a new light. Seeing these ‘rules’ as God’s means of keeping me free of the consequences is actually an act of love. My twelve-step group calls this boundary- setting ‘detachment with love’.
Boundaries are a great tool for keeping families healthy. They help us to unravel the enmeshment that occurs when there is chaos in the family. Then and only then can we truly look at our part and begin to clean up the mess in an effort to draw closer to God.
Do you have boundaries in place in your life?
Can you see God’s commandments as a means of protection?