Lenten Challenge: Give up Fear

“Ma’am?” I turned, wondering if the voice was speaking to me. I found the speaker, then noticed that he was looking at a woman. “Have you eaten today?” 

“Have I eaten?” His voice lifted. He seemed unsure and seeking confirmation that she would be talking to him; perhaps offering him food. “Do you like cheeseburgers?” She continued. “No, I haven’t eaten and yes, I like cheeseburgers.” “Okay, I’ll be right back.” As she walked back into the mall, I heard him celebrate the gift of a cheeseburger.

It was a gray day. I’d gone to the mall to get out of my house. Several cold, gray days strung together always give me the winter blues. I told my husband that I needed to get out and walk. This large indoor mall was the only thing that I could think of to do. I really only had one item to buy. Normally a shopping excursion lifts me up. Today felt flat, until I left the mall.

There is a lot of talk about if or how we should help the homeless population. Most of it is well-meaning. We don’t want to support damaging behavior. We tend to see our help as a way of saying, keep doing what you’re doing. The problem with this kind of thinking is that we believe that we have control over someone else’s behavior. We do not. We are powerless. Step 1 begins every single process of healing regardless of the situation. You are not God. You never will be. 

It doesn’t matter what you do or do not do to either a homeless person on the street, your addicted loved one, an adult child who doesn’t go to church, a relative who identifies as gay or lesbian, adult children who choose to live together or any other person whose life choices exist outside of your belief system (This is the list of worries that I hear most often when I speak to groups).

I’ve found that the fear of aiding and abetting someone else’s behavior can be more damaging than the behavior itself. In Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience” puts fear in the first category of her book along with stress, overwhelm, anxiety, worry, avoidance, excitement, dread and vulnerability. According to Brene, these emotions are the ‘Places We Go When Things are Uncertain or Too Much.’

She defines fear as a negative, short-lasting, high alert emotion in response to a perceived threat, and, like anxiety, it can be measured as a state or a trait. She goes on to say that because it is a rapid-fire emotion we respond with instinct: fight, flight or freeze. Instead, let’s slow things down and look at other ways to approach our fears.

I follow Father Greg Boyle, SJ. He has an entirely different take on helping others. Fear doesn’t seem to be in his lexicon. Father Greg teaches the countercultural behavior of Christ. One of my favorite interviews that he’s given was with Anderson Cooper (the video above).  Anderson asks Father Greg if he is concerned that he is being taken advantage of.

Father Greg doesn’t hesitate. He says that he willingly gives his advantage away. In a culture that fears being used, he finds it more important to not write anyone off. He feels that most problems are the result of a lethal absence of hope. Homeboy Industries is a place of connection to hope.

Father Greg understands that we are powerless over the actions of others. We aren’t powerless over maintaing some sort of connection to others. Connection is the antiserum to despair. If I stay in contact with God and with my essential self (the one who God created) then my connection to you has power (Step 2). If I willingly offer that love to you no matter what (Step 3), then I am giving my advantage away. The power that I have says that I find you worthy of love and love offers hope.

Staying connected doesn’t mean that I have no boundaries. I keep my boundaries because they model healthy behavior. It means that even though you sometimes live outside of my boundaries, I don’t cut off my love for you. Refusing to contribute to harmful behavior is love. As we say in my 12-step group, ‘Say what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean.’ Boundaries are best established when you ask God to show you what you need to feel safe. My boundaries may or may not work for you.

There is a saying, that my priest repeats often that is another way to challenge fears power: “If an egg breaks from outside forces a life ends. If it breaks from inside sources, a life begins. Connection provides an environment that allows the person we love, the space that they need to begin to love themselves. It will be out of that love, that they find the strength to change for themselves.

My Lenten challenge to you is to give up fear. I know that sounds like a tall order. If that is too much to start with, just don’t respond to it. Instead, I challenge you to stop running from it. Stop fighting it. Don’t let it put you in the corner. Instead, look it in the eyes. Tell fear whose child you are. Below, I’ve written out two different paragraphs. One is a paragraph that is based in fear. The other is based in love. I hope you will take this Lenten challenge to help you rewrite the thoughts that go on in your mind. I hope that you will put fear in its place (a bear chasing you is an okay place to accept fear).

Brent Brown said in her You Tube video that we need to recognize the story we tell ourselves. What is the story that you tell yourself? How can you rewrite it to help you move forward in your recovery?

1. My loved one (son, daughter, spouse, sibling, friend, etc.) is ___________ (alcoholic, addict, gay, living with someone outside of marriage, has mental illness, in jail, etc.) and I am afraid that if I remain in relationship with them, I will be accepting these actions ___________.If I accept these actions, what kind of a _____ (Catholic, Christian, mother, spouse, sibling, friend) am I?
2. My loved one (son, daughter, spouse, sibling, friend, etc.) is ___________ (alcoholic, addict, gay, living with someone outside of marriage, has mental illness, in jail, etc.) and with God’s help, I will love them right where they are, just as Christ loves me. Their actions are not mine to judge or fix. I am only called to love. By accepting the person (a child of God) I am trusting their care into the loving hands of God. If I trust God with my loved one, what kind of a _____ (Catholic, Christian, mother, spouse, sibling, friend) am I?