I went to the doctor last week for my semi-annual appointment. He asked me how I was feeling to which I said, “fine.” I thought it was casual conversation. Again, he asked, “Are you feeling okay?” At this point, I was starting to wonder myself. “I think so.” I said, meaning it.
“Well your blood pressure is really low.” He said. As soon as he said that, I realized that I had been having bouts of fatigue that seemed to come out of nowhere. But, I’d pushed those thoughts aside, thinking, I am getting older. Maybe I do need an afternoon nap.
The doctor said that since I’d lost some weight maybe my medicine to slow my rapid heart rate needed tweaking. That made perfect sense. I enjoyed a sigh of relief. But then I thought that I’d kept that weight off for over a year. Why was this problem just now arising? I wanted to push that thought aside. I didn’t want to worry. But, my years of recovery insisted that I face those concerns head on. I called the doctor and got a new appointment.
The other day, I was reading something and noticed that the word intuition is actually two words: ‘in’–‘tuition’. Since I know what ‘in’ means, I looked up ‘tuition’. I find value in looking up words that I think I already know the definition to . I’m often surprised by what I find, just as I was on that day.
You see, I thought that tuition was money paid for education. And while that is the first definition offered by Merriam-Webster, the second definition is ‘the act or profession of teaching’. The archaic definition is ‘custody or guardianship’. I like those three definitions so much. They offer a deeper understanding.
In 12-step rooms, we often show up disconnected from God and ourselves. The odd thing is that we are the last ones to realize it. Our slow and steady preoccupation with either a drink, substance or action (for the addicted) or with another person’s addiction (those who love them) creates a focus that is divorced from our current realities.
Losing connection to God and self is like unplugging our connection to that inner teaching; that guardianship that is readily available to help lead and guide us. I can’t tell you how many times that I have ignored those inner feelings when my loved ones were in active addiction. Usually, it was too hard to face. I didn’t want to see what I intuitively knew to be true.
In this case, running away from the problem is also running away from the solution. We need the truth. We need to face reality–which is the truth. We won’t get better without it. They won’t either. From the chapter on how it works in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous you will find this statement:
“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”
If the key to recovery is rigorous honesty, then let’s explore that a little deeper. Running from uncomfortable feelings seems to be the thing that we (the addict or alcoholic and the people who love them) all share in common. This is what I call dis-ease. It’s important to take time with those feelings. Which ones are true? Which ones are the voice of the enemy? If we don’t take time to sit with them and figure that out, we might ‘throw out the baby with the bathwater.’
Because we are afraid of what we might see or hear, we stop relying on that internal teacher who I call God. Let’s remember that in scripture Jesus is called teacher 45 times in the gospels. And, the Holy Spirit, our advocate, is given to us as an internal guide (remember our archaic definition of tuition). Shutting off those guiding voices because we are afraid of what they might be telling us is what I call dis-order. Because we are now relying on ourselves we have dis-connected from God and our essential self. To me, this is what I think addiction is.
I believe that the 12-step framework allows us to heal the dis-ease, dis-order and disconnection. The focus of 12-step work, while not intended to be done alone is work that is done within. With the exception of steps 5, 9 & 12, the work that we need to do with complete honesty is inside of us. It is about healing our relationship to God first, ourselves second and out of that healed relationship, we can be someone capable of having healthy relationships with others.
If you want your addicted loved one to change, then look within. What needs work in your life? Your power lies in the work you do on YOU. Think about that. You have the power to reconnect and listen and learn from the ultimate Power–God.
How do you grow in that relationship? Ignatian Spirituality gives you all kinds of tools to help heal and grow that relationship. The 12-steps and the tools of Ignatian Spirituality can rebuild your reliance on your God-given intuition.