A 12-step friend told me about an experience that he had in a meeting. There was a newcomer who shared and my friend’s first thought was to respond… “I stopped myself because I have a rule: “I don’t speak until he speaks.” He’s pointing up as he says this.
Honestly, I can’t remember anymore of his story. I kept repeating that line over and over again in my mind. I looked for a pen and wrote the line on my hand. Perhaps these were the words that I needed to hear, right now, at this moment in my life’s journey.
I’ve been working with a few newcomers lately and it’s easy to offer the same bits of program wisdom to help get them started. But the key to me being of service to others is to remember that my help is only as good as the source it comes from. If I am depending on the wisdom of Jean, that my friends is severely limited. If I stop and ask for help, just like I’m asking this young newcomer to do, then real progress can be made.
Yesterday, I got a text from one of my new friends to the program. It was long and riddled with shame and guilt. She hadn’t gone to a meeting yet. She knew better. It was all her fault. She was a mess… Thoughts started swirling around in my mind and I tapped on the text box to respond. Then I heard the words, “I don’t speak until he speaks.” I turned my phone off and walked away.
Later that afternoon, I reread her text. I said a prayer for her. I asked for the words that she needed to hear. I reread the text again. This time, I started to see beyond what she’d texted and the question came to me, what is she afraid of?
I texted to see if we could talk on the phone. We had a long conversation. I don’t know if it helped her but it sure helped me. You see, I learned that if I go to God for everything, I’m going to see a need that I will be blind to if I am working in self-will.
I am powerless over my newcomer friend who is powerless over her alcoholic loved one who is powerless over alcohol. Each member of this relationship needs to accept this fact. I can’t change her. She can’t change him. He can’t change himself. But God can.
If I accept that I am powerless, it affects my relationship with her. If she changes it affects her relationship with him. Each action affects those who are around us. Acceptance of being powerless is the work of step one. If you have the time, give the step one link a listen. Alice G. is an Al-Anon who works the 12-steps with the Big Book of AA. I’ve been listening to her YouTube videos to work the steps again. They’ve been very helpful to me.
Sometimes, it is difficult for a newcomer to understand that they too, have a problem. We can’t see our own need for emotional sobriety until your insanity makes us so miserable that we become willing. When we become willing to lay down our illusion of control aka old coping mechanisms that no longer serve us well, then change can happen.
Friends, don’t underestimate the power that the changes that you make for yourself, will have on others. But remember it starts with God. You right the ship by putting him in charge. You maintain the ship by keeping him in charge. And the ship takes you to incredible places as long as you remember not to speak until he does…
Good advice Jean