I have come up with a personal thesis regarding addiction. I say it often and for good reason: I want you to remember it. Addiction is dis-ease, dis-order & disconnection in our relationships to God, self & others. I think the first set (1-3) of steps deal with our relationship to God. The second set (4-6) of steps focus on our relationship to our essential self (the one we were born with). The third set (7-9) of steps focus on our relationships to others. The last set of steps (10-12) help us maintain those relationships.
On the home page of this website, I even post: Recover faith, Recover Me, Recover Family. They are posted in the order of need–think ‘The House That Jack Built’. The healing of the first relationship (God) is necessary before you can move forward. So after I heal my relationship to God, it is time to work on my relationship to self. You might ask, what do you mean by that? How do you do that work? In the spirit of 12-step work, let me share my experience with you…
My mother (left with her sister) died when I was 34 years old. Since I was her 6th child and she was 40 years old when I was born, I always expected to lose her earlier than my friends would lose their mothers. Something that I didn’t see coming but realized shortly after her death was that part of me died that day too. I suddenly had the realization that there was the me before she died and the me after she died. They were not the same person. The me who hadn’t experienced profound loss before now felt it to her core.
If you’ve lived long enough, you’ve probably lost someone close to you. You understand this experience and the feelings that accompany it. As I’ve grown older, I know that this phenomenon has also occurred to me, in less impactful ways, throughout my life.
I remember the excitement of going to school as a little kid. Learning to read and being with friends were the two best things that had ever happened to me until one day as a first-grader, two second grade girls bullied me in the bathroom when no-one was looking. The carefree me became the on-guard me. From then on, I wouldn’t go to the bathroom unless my entire class went.
There was also the me that used to feel free to go to the adults in my family when I felt that there was some injustice, until I went to my great aunt to share some concerns only for her to tell me that I was the problem for wanting to expose family problems. The me afterwards kept things to herself and questioned the validity of my concerns. She stopped trusting herself.
There was the me who felt confident in her own skin until her grandmother compared her grades to those of her cousins. The me afterwards always compared herself to others. She stopped sharing her gifts because she was afraid that they would never measure up. The list could go on but you get the picture.
Each of these experiences are not unique to me. I’m sure that if you think back, you will be able to form your own list. In the 12-step world, when you create a 4th step inventory, the way that helped me the most was the way that those in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) do their 4th step; they list their resentments. Underneath those resentments lie a fear such as: I could lose the people I love, I could be the problem instead of what I see as the problem, I am not smart enough, my gifts aren’t enough … You may find that those things that often happened in childhood still affect you today.
One of my favorite guides in this life is Canadian physician and author, Gabor Mate. He says that these are all traumas. Some may be capital ‘T’ traumas, like the death of my mother. Others will fit into the lower ‘t’ trauma category. Instead of only quoting him, I’d like for you to hear his take on trauma:
Maté says trauma, from the Greek for “wound”, “is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you … It is not the blow on the head, but the concussion I get.” That, he says, is the good news.
Those things that happened to me, caused me to feel different about myself inside. Losing my mother taught me that death is real. I am going to lose people if I live long enough. That doesn’t mean that I can’t still experience joy even though shortly after my mother’s death made I didn’t think that I would ever find joy again.
The me who was on guard at school would eventually learn that even though I had to lookout for bullies, I could still love being with my friends. I could still love to learn.
The me that was called out for telling the truth about a family injustice and the me that didn’t measure up to my grandmother would one day learn that it was her great aunt who had the problem facing the problems in the family and it was her grandmother who needed her to excel so that she didn’t feel her own personal shame. My great aunt and grandmother didn’t intend to hurt me. It was probably how they were treated as children. This is how generational shame is passed down.
I recover me when I slow down. I recover me when I ask God to help me see things as he does. I recover me when I recognize how much he loves me–when I realize that he gave me the gifts that I have for a purpose. Then I recover me when I do the work in steps 4 & 5. To start, I make a list of resentments.
Why resentments? Because they hold me hostage. I’ve been mad at my grandmother and great aunt for a very long time. When I can dissect each resentment, looking for the fear that lies beneath each one, then I can begin the business of healing. Name your fear. Then you will have power over it.
Are you going to carry the fears of generation’s past forward? Or are you going to do the work and let them go? I had to learn to sit in the discomfort of those feelings of inadequcies until they passed. My feelings are not facts. I’ve had to own the fact that I am a loved child of God and I had to learn to trust that he gave me everything that I need to do the work that he intends for me to do.
We talk about humility a lot in recovery circles. Being humble is about seeing things as they truly are: You aren’t your worst mistake and you aren’t your best qualities. You are a mixture of the good and not-so-good. Even so, you are a child of God. You were made in his likeness and image. Own that. That is your essential self.
If you’ve added fears and shames to the image that you carry of yourself, then you carry a distorted image of self. If that shame and fear caused you to hurt others, just like my elders hurt me and I have hurt my family members, you have an opportunity to break that cycle. You have an opportunity to make things right.
If you change the beliefs that you have about yourself, your attitudes and actions will follow suit. You will be capable of relating to family members in a healthier way. See, this is like the ‘house that Jack built’. You will be building relationships on solid ground.
Breaking the cycle will be the best thing that you leave behind for your children.
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