Emotional Sobriety in Family Systems: Dealing with Dishonesty

Bill Wilson was truly ahead of his time. One of the topics that he’d hoped to explore before he died was one that he considered to be a root problem of addiction: emotional sobriety. He described emotional sobriety as “real maturity and balance in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows and with God.”

It is a big subject and so I decided that for the next few weeks, we’d look at a few different areas of emotional sobriety. The cornerstone of recovery for any person (because emotional sobriety is not limited to alcoholics and addicts and the families who love them) is honesty. Emotional sobriety affects every body on the planet.

People lie. It is a hard fact. Those in active addiction lie to support their disease. Other people lie for a myriad of reasons. None of them are good. We could try to analyze why people say one thing and do another but then we would be keeping our focus on them. And we have no power over them.

When family members lie, it can be traumatic. We are supposed to be able to trust family members. At least that is what we are taught. Many times when family members break a trust, we go into shock. We get stuck in the hurt that we feel over their choice to betray us. Often we keep our focus on the hurt imposed by someone that is supposed to love and support us. When loved ones break our trust, it causes trauma.

Staying stuck or ruminating is something that keeps us from being emotionally sober. Let’s look for balance and maturity, just as Bill Wilson suggested. To be balanced, we have to take a few steps back and look at our situation as if we were observing someone else. Then, we take those feelings of hurt and set them aside so that with maturity, we can decide how to move forward.

If someone is being dishonest with you, you need to accept that they are an unsafe person. If you are struggling with an unsafe family member, it seems so foreign to have to establish boundaries to protect yourself from them. Still, it is necessary. Boundaries are your first line of defense.

What kind of boundaries do you set for those family members? Well, that is something that you need to take to prayer to ask God help you navigate. I would say that a person’s actions are their truth tellers. Trust what they are doing. Let their actions be your guide.

Boundaries are not walls. If your loved one makes a change, then they can earn back your trust. Boundaries are movable. Refusing to allow a loved one to continue hurting you is love. Remember love stands up for truth. Love says, I recognize that lying hurts me, but I know that it also hurts you. I will not allow it here.

After you’ve established your boundaries, pat yourself on the back. Square your shoulders and be resolute. Recovery starts with you but it doesn’t end there. It always has a positive impact on everyone around you.

Then take those feelings that you need to grieve and find a few trusted friends, a therapist, a 12-step group, a priest or minister and work to heal the hurt that your family member caused. It is important that you go through all of those stages of grief. Your feelings aren’t right or wrong. They just are. Your feelings come and go. They change all of the time. But they also have something to teach you.

Families don’t get an instruction manual, but we sure do need one. That is one of the reasons that I love my 12-step program. It teaches me that my power lies in my actions. I can’t change anyone else. But I don’t have to stay open to hurt just because we are family.

I’m curious, what topics are you struggling with in your family. I’d love to hear. Maybe, I will even write about your topic. Just leave a comment below, describing what your struggles are.

Two requests: If you haven’t reviewed my book, would you consider leaving me an Amazon review? The more reviews that I have, the more the book moves up on the search list. I want this book to be found by the hands that need it. Secondly, I’ll be at Ignatius House on Father’s Day weekend doing a 4th step retreat. If you need a retreat, click here to sign up.

Lord, I pray that each family member who reads these words, will hear your voice. I pray that they feel your loving hand rest on their shoulder as they do the hard things. Give them strength. Heal their loved ones. Heal each reader. In Jesus name, Amen.