Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel…

When my book, “Helping Families Recover from Addiction: Coping, Growing and Healing with 12-Step Practices and Ignatian Spirituality” was released last October it was placed in (3) categories on Amazon. Those categories were chosen to help those looking for help with family addictions be able to find it amongst the thousands of books out there. My book’s categories are: Self-help for Catholics, 12-Step Programs and Dysfunctional Families.

Those categories also give me an idea of how well the book is selling. On a few occasions, I have looked at those categories and found the book in the top 100 of a particular category. It’s become a bit of a running joke between my husband and I when I notice and say, “Hey honey, we are in the top 100 in dysfunctional families.” To which he will reply, “Just doing my part to make that happen.”

We can laugh at our situation now. We’ve worked very hard to face our problems. But that hasn’t always been the case. Before we began our recovery journey, we never talked about the problems. It was almost as if we thought that if we mentioned it out loud, it would make it true. This kind of thinking is what professionals call denial.

In 12-step programs we have a slogan that calls out denial: “We are as sick as our secrets.” Our slogan is a great reminder that keeping fear and shame locked up inside is toxic. Healing requires great courage, vulnerability and humility.

The Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program says that: those who have made progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be. Some say that that defines humility. We aren’t less than human. We’re not more than human. We are human with assets and defects.

The writer John Bradshaw, who was a family systems therapy advocate cited one source that said that as many as 96% of families had some level of dysfunction. Shame would like for you to think that you are the only one. That way you will stay hidden.

Serving as another obstacle to healing is the what the psychologist Claudia Black calls the dysfunctional family rules: ‘Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.’ Every thing that keeps us sick asks us to stay hidden. Everything that promotes healing asks us to talk to a trusted friend and to feel.

If you find the courage to begin this journey of trusting and connecting with God and others, St. Ignatius has some really good ideas to perpetuate healing and growth. He was ahead of his time when he noticed and paid attention to his feelings. He began to use them as a gauge for his proximity to God’s healing love. He used the terms ‘consolation’ to relate to his good feelings and ‘desolation’ to connote a feeling of distance from God. He suggested as many will today that feelings aren’t good or bad. They just are. In fact, they probably have something to teach us.

Let me leave you with this: We all have problems. There isn’t one person on the planet without issues. Families all have struggles. Can you find one trusted person to confide in? Maybe you need to find a 12-step program. Perhaps you could schedule an appointment with your priest, deacon or counselor. Maybe you can talk to a friend. Whoever you choose, remember that by coming out into the light with your problem, you’ve already taken a big step towards healing.

Be aware of old habits. If you catch yourself afraid to talk or trust, pray that God will give you the courage to ‘go against’ (what Ignatius called agree contra) those inclinations. If you catch yourself trying to busy yourself when uncomfortable feelings arise, trust that God is with you. If you find the strength to sit with them, he can help you name those feelings and figure them out.

It is my prayer that you will take this week and notice your feelings. I pray that you can begin the process of reconnection: to God, self and others. That is what healing is all about.

AMDG