I remember reading the following quote years ago when we first learned of my loved one’s addiction. It changed the way I saw them:
“The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.” And the source of pain is always and invariably to be found in a person’s lived experience, beginning with childhood. … All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile.” Gabor Mate, MD
To be honest, it also haunted me. My child suffered from a painful experience in childhood. I really had just one job: to love and protect…But, like many others, generational fear and shame injure us and the generations to come. If we don’t take the time to notice and name those traumas and do the work of healing, we will continue passing them on to future generations.
That question stays with me still. Every time I see someone who has a problem with addiction, I now see a person who struggles. This gives me compassion for that person. Compassion replaces a lot of the scolding or shaming behavior of the past. Compassion heals.
It is an important question. One that will take courage to face. But, it is a way forward. It is a way to break a cycle of hurt. I hope you will find the strength to ask it. I am grateful for these hard questions. It seems that as a society we are now seeking answers more than labeling something that we don’t understand. This is progress.
A couple of weeks ago, Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, MD, Ph.D published a new book, “What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing” which confirms Gabor Mate’s take on addiction. Just imagine if we replaced the age old, “Just say No” campaign with “What happened to You?” How does that shift the way we look at those who struggle?
“Just say no” suggests that they can choose. “What happened to you?” recognizes that something happened to them. They didn’t just choose the difficult path–they found a way to survive it. Old coping skills will need to be replaced by both our addicted loved ones and us. My 12-step group often tells me that whatever I’ve done in the past needs to be replaced by something different.
These are hard questions. They are not intended to shame or blame. They are intended to help you find a way out of the cycle of trauma and addiction. The good news is this: healing CAN come from 12-step practices and Ignatian Spirituality.
You might ask this question: How do those 2 tools help me and those who struggle with addiction? They are both ways to heal relationships and to restore order within them…relationships to God first, then to self and from that relationship, you will be able to relate to others. It’s a spiritual solution to a spiritual problem.
I hope you know that I am praying for you and your healing. Help me break the stigma that keeps our loved ones held hostage. Share this post with others. The more we talk about this problem, the less power it will hold over us. You are not alone. So many others suffer and are afraid to reach out for help. Be the hand that pulls others up. You won’t regret it.