I’m So Mad…

In the beginning, I didn’t say the word ‘addiction’ out loud. It was too scary. I think this is what the professionals call denial, which has a purpose. It seeks to protect you. But, only for a while. At some point, we have to face whatever it is that we are afraid of.

Somewhere deep inside, I was afraid that if I uttered it (addiction) out loud, it might just make it true. This is a prime example of not accepting that you are powerless. But addiction (say it out loud or not) is a progressive disease. It just continues to take more and more of your loved one until you lose sight of them and are faced with only their addiction.

And that is when I got mad: One day, I stopped at a convenince store to get gas. I went inside to get a Diet Coke while the gas pumped and passed by a glass display case filled with hookahs and bongs and I just lost it. I started taking pictures of these items (legally sold in my state). I was going to wage war against convenience stores selling paraphernalia.

The owner shouted, “What are you doing?” Ignoring the question, I asked, “How can you live with yourself?” I continued snapping photos (not legal without permission) and he walked around the counter, grabbed my hand and escorted me out of the store, forcing me to delete my pictures.

Now I ask you, what good did my outrage do? Did it have any effect on healing my loved one’s addiction?

The answer would be no. Not one thing. It had zero effect on my loved one’s recovery from addiction. What it did do was wake me up and give me the courage to act. I’d been too afraid before. For me, and I’m no psychologist, anger gave me the courage to do something different …

Now after a middle-aged man forcefully grabs your arm and removes you from his place of business, demanding you to delete the photos on your phone in front of him before he releases you, you tend to come to the quick conclusion that maybe you need to think things through before you act on impulse.

Brent Brown is one of my favorite researchers and writers, especially on things related to addiction, because she is also in recovery. She has this to say about anger:

“Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick. Internalizing anger will take away our joy and spirit; externalizing anger will make us less effective in our attempts to create change and forge connection. It’s an emotion that we need to transform into something life-giving: courage, love, change, compassion, justice. Or sometimes anger can mask a far more difficult emotion like grief, regret, or shame, and we need to use it to dig into what we’re really feeling. Either way, anger is a powerful catalyst but a life-sucking companion.”

What is a Catalyst?

A catalyst is an agent of change. For me, it was what I initially needed to have the courage to do something about the problem instead of hide from it. It got me unstuck from being frozen from the fear. For me, it took anger for me to decide to do something about our family problem of addiction.

Now before we pat ourselves on the back for being pissed off, let’s remember that I walked into that store stone-cold sober…

Or was I?

I would say no. I was not emotionally sober. Let’s look back at the quote by Brene Brown. Externalizing anger makes us less effective at creating change and forging connection. Internal anger will take away my joy and spirit and I believe it makes us sick.

But here is the good news about anger: It is an emotion that is needed to transform into something life-giving, like courage, compassion, change or justice.

Last week I talked about the fact that as family members, we have to do our own work. Your work is to re-read that description on anger again. Is your anger masking grief, regret, fear or shame? Or is it an emotion needed to get you to deal with the problems in your family?

Are you using anger for good or for ill. Is your anger keeping you emotionally unbalanced or emotionally sober?

My experience at the convenience store made me show up at my first Al-Anon meeting. I was angry and didn’t know what I needed to do. So I showed up to a meeting where I could begin to learn what to do with my anger.

Study your anger. What does it have to teach you? Journal about it. Talk to a trusted friend. But, don’t leave it unattended.

My friends do not be afraid to name your problems. When you name them, you take back your power over them. I am angry. I do not want to face addiction. I do not want to lose the relationship I had with my loved ones because of drugs or alcohol. Bring those feelings into your awareness. Name them. It’s a first step to doing your own work.

Until next week…