You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate. It belongs to you.
Robert McKinnon
A few weeks back, I was so angry, that I let God have it. How could he leave me stuck in a situation that felt so utterly hopeless? How could I find a way out? I started to rant. Since the word pray literally means to ask, I don’t think that what I was doing was asking. It was more like a demand: “I’ve been trying to do what you’ve asked and now look where I am. I need your help. Why in the heck have you left me like this?”
Before you accuse me of being disrespectful to God, let me say that my higher power can take it. In fact, when I felt comfortable enough to ‘give it to him’ it was because I trusted that he would not disown me for sharing whatever was on my mind–no matter what. We’d grown enough in our relationship for me to feel safe going to him with everything and anything.
It wasn’t long (just a few hours) after my lament that I heard the mention of counseling three different times. To me, this is never coincidental. If the same thing comes up three times, it is a ‘brick on the head’ to me. Armed with this message, I made an appointment with my counselor.
A few days later, sitting in my counselor’s office, I shared how frustrated I was with unacceptable behavior of someone. I was so tired of this and of that. It just never seemed to change. And then he said, “You are powerless over that individual.”
“Yes, I am powerless.” I said. As I sat there on his couch–the same one that I’ve planted myself on for over 10 years, with 11 years of 12-step work where I quoted the steps each week with my group and I even wrote a whole book around those 12-steps, a light came on over this one particular situation.
Unbeknownst to me, my counselor was steering me away from the actions of others and trying to help me look at me and the power that I have. As I felt myself continuing to repeat the phrase, “I am powerless,” he asked me a few questions: What will you accept? Where are your boundaries? If you don’t like certain behaviors, why do you stand there and take them? Are you contributing to this problem? What can you do to live differently?
In my 12-step meetings, we talk an awful lot about self-care and boundaries. But in that moment, for whatever reason, I understood that my boundaries are the best kind of self-care that I can give myself.
Since that day, I notice when people out in the world lack respect for my personal boundaries. I’m learning to listen when discomfort calls for my attention. I stop and remove myself from those situations. I don’t sit there and continue to accept the kind of behavior from others that I find unacceptable.
I was bitter before. Now, I’m better. One day at a time, one situation at a time teaches me that my power lies in the choices that I make.