You Don’t Have to be Mad to Set Boundaries

In my 12-step community, we talk about boundaries a lot. Boundaries are one of the best tools that we have. They are so important that entire books have been written on the subject.

Since, I’m busy these days, I wanted to look for a small dose of information. Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience” is one of my favorite reference books. I wondered what she had to say on the subject:

“Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment.”

Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart

I didn’t really grow up with boundaries. My grandmother used to tell me that if I wasn’t nice to my crusty great aunt that she would haunt me when she died. Being taught to ignore your feelings isn’t a healthy way to live. God gave us those feelings for a reason.

I was also taught to take care of people who wouldn’t take care of themselves. It was the Christian thing to do. It is no wonder that I grew up with a PhD in minding other people’s business.

My first lesson on boundaries came from my long-time 12-stepping friend, who I call Annie in my book. Annie is a very young, 70-something, soft spoken, firecracker of woman. She loves breaking out her imaginary hoola-hoop when newcomers show up. She makes them get up, out of their chair and sway their hips with her while she tells them that everything inside that hoop belongs to them. They get to choose how they’re treated. Imagine that, You get to choose. Everything outside of the hoola-hoop belongs to others and is none of our business.

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

Prentis Hemphill

On the flip side, if you are treated in a way that you find unacceptable and you allow it, that’s on you. That means that your boundaries are your power. They are your only power.

When you are new to a habit, it can feel uncomfortable. Deep down inside, I didn’t believe that I had a right to ask others to stay out of my hoola-hoop. Because I was uncomfortable, I dreaded having to enforce my boundary. I thought, they should know better… With that kind of thinking, I was accepting whatever treatment others offered. I was giving up the only power I had.

One day it occurred to me that I seemed to get mad every time I had to enforce a boundary. I was so uncomfortable asserting myself that I became a raging lunatic. After years of not being heard or respected, I expected disrespect. Unconsciously I thought that anger was the fuel that I needed to enforce a safety net around myself. This was an old survival skill. It wasn’t all that helpful anymore.

Realizing what I’d been doing, I started working on calmly saying ‘No’. I practiced saying, “I’m not comfortable with that.” I prepared myself emotionally to walk away or hang up the phone. I practiced saying, “Let me get back to you on that.” I learned to pause and pray. These things seemed to help prepare me for any situation.

I’m learning that if I get angry before I set a boundary, that’s not healthy. But if I set a boundary and it’s disrespected, then I have the right to get mad. If you feel as if someone has violated your boundary, they are basically saying, I don’t care what you have to say, I’m going to do what I want. And, that’s not ok.

Sometimes people who have firm boundaries are portrayed as uptight. In reality, what they are seeing is strength. It takes a lot of work to get healthy, folks. A lot of work. But remember, hard is not impossible. And the results are worth it.

And let’s not forget that this new way of being is what allows real connection to our loved ones (refer to Brene Brown’s definition of a boundary above). Connection to God, to self and to others is the overall goal of 12-step programs. It is the goal of Ignatian Spirituality.

Do you have boundaries in place? I hope you will think about what you need and then prepare yourself to enforce those boundaries. It will change your life. It changed mine. And, I am happy to report that there have been no hauntings to date. And, this new way of being feels authentically Christian to me.