Hi, my name is Jean and I have always struggled with my weight. Sugar is my drug of choice.
I feel obsessed when I think about food. As a type two diabetic (insulin resistant) who has taken oral medication for the last twenty years, I have been coached on what to eat. There is the obvious—stay away from cakes, cookies, pies and candy. But, there are also rules like don’t eat anything white: bread, potatoes or rice. Stay away from anything deep fried (heart disease is a problem for diabetics). The Rules go on…
It’s interesting because I’ve seen the rules change a bit over the years. Do you remember back in the eighties when they encouraged us to avoid high fat foods and to opt for something low fat like a bagel? Today, a bagel is a banned food as are most carbs. We bought margarine instead of butter which we now recognize as possibly carcinogenic. This low-fat movement inadvertently evolved into the idea that if we had less fat, we could eat more of the low-fat product—even if we didn’t like it all that much. Because we felt deprived, we hoped that quantity would make up for quality.
Over the years, I have felt an internal struggle that leaves me confused. You see there are the foods that I can eat (good) and the foods that I shouldn’t eat (bad) and I typically like the bad and am unsatisfied with the good.
I don’t really want a side salad as a part of my meal, especially in the winter when those vegetables aren’t very fresh. I hate kale. This southern girl has to wonder why anyone would like a vegetable that can’t find redemption either by being ‘cooked down’ enough or deep fried?
The turmoil that I feel spills over into menu planning and grocery shopping. There are these beloved recipes from my childhood that I feel guilty making and new recipes that involve a skinless, boneless piece of poultry that comes from a chicken that’s breeding has been genetically altered so that the weight of its breast is too large for its legs to support. Sounds delicious, right?
Sometimes, I just want a big bowl of spaghetti. And, the garlic bread that comes with it shouldn’t be left out. It would be a crime to serve pasta without the perfect sauce sopping tool. Can generations of Italian women be wrong?
It’s not that I hate all of the good foods. I love many healthy dishes. It’s just that I want variety. Some days, hummus and vegetables sounds perfect, but the next day a burger sounds good too. It feels like I am unable to walk the thin line of eating the good foods on a consistent basis.
So, here’s what happened: If I ate something somewhat healthy, I would reward myself with something sweet for dessert. This didn’t occur every day—it happened after each meal. Over time, I realized that sweets had become one of my food groups. I had come to expect each meal to end with a reward. Unconsciously, I thought that since I had put up with the bad food, then I deserved to have a cookie or candy bar.
As this process evolved, I ate less and less actual food and more and more sugar. I was trading nutrition for sugar. I began to feel sick and my weight continuously climbed. I was probably malnourished. This didn’t stop me. It couldn’t stop me because I am a sugar addict. I used sugar like the drug that it is. It made me feel different. It was a brief reprieve from those feelings of being deprived.
One day I as I laid in my bed feeling nauseous and unable to imagine one good thing that I could eat, I realized that I had to do something radical. That is when I saw the parallels between my sugar problem and an alcohol problem in others. The twelve-step program had worked when it came to my mind and spirit, now I would use it for my body too. I realize now that this is the exact reverse order that an addict or alcoholic would use this program. And, it shows us how universal the twelve-steps are.
That was the day that I decided to ’twelve-step’ my problem. For those of you who are unfamiliar with a twelve-step program, it means that I recognize the fact that I am powerless over this battle for control of my weight that primarily exists in between my ears. (step one)
Next, I accept that there is one who can help me stop the internal struggle that has frustrated and exhausted me for years—and that is God. (step two)
Then, I ask him each day, often before I get out of my bed, to take away the insatiable craving for sugar that steals away any peace that I might have, just for today. (step three)
In the beginning my goal was simple, I wanted to detox from sugar. So, I got up each day and prayed for God to take away that craving. I didn’t really think about regular foods yet. I just worked to eliminate my drug of choice because it was consuming me.
I also knew that I would need to be able to have a treat once in a while or I would never sustain this habit. So, I decided to give myself an actual treat once every week or ten days. The only other hard and fast rule that I gave myself was no eating after supper. I did this because as I’ve gotten older I have noticed that it’s harder to digest food at night.
This shift began to work. I began to feel better. But, there was still this feeling that kept gnawing at me regarding regular food. Since I woke up and prayed for God to remove the desire for sugar from me in the mornings (and sometimes before I went to sleep too) I started praying for God to show me how to eat in a way that he wanted me to.
I had a sudden urgency to be healthy because I have a book about using the twelve steps and Ignatian Spirituality as a way to cope with a family member’s addictions that will be published next year (Loyola Press) and I have started giving recovery retreats for those friends and family members. I knew that something needed to change as I move forward with this work that I felt called to do.
As I meditated upon these ideas it suddenly occurred to me that the answers were right in front of me all along. I would need to employ St. Ignatius Principle and Foundation to deal with my food consumption.
For those of you unfamiliar with the principle, let me paraphrase it for you here: In all things, we are to praise, reverence and serve God. Everything that we have and all of the things that we are given are to be used to that end. If it can’t be used to praise, reverence or serve God then it becomes an inordinate attachment and it gets in our way and so we should detach from that thing.
My food obsession had become my inordinate attachment. I had to get rid of my obsession with it. That still left me with the question of how do I learn to eat normally?
I took those questions into prayer. This led me back to St. Ignatius. He was really good at helping us pay attention to our feelings. These feelings are from our creator. They help inform us about our needs. I like to think that they are our direct line to God. Yet many of us have become disconnected from them.
In order to reconnect, I think it’s important to know how and why we have become disconnected. I was watching a television show once that helped me to connect those dots.
There was a scene from the show “Mad Men” where one of the characters was abused by her husband. She tried to fight him off but when she realized that his strength was too overpowering, she stopped fighting. The actress portrayal was perfect because you could see her as she began to accept what was happening. If you watched closely you could almost see her break off from herself—going to a place where she could hide her true self from the hurt that she felt.
While my problem with food can in no way compare to that horrific scene, this example was able to illustrate for me how we might disconnect from our feelings when they become too much for us to bear. Had I disconnected from my real hunger? Had I disengaged from the feelings of being satisfied or full? Did I know what foods I craved? And, could I slow myself down enough to recognize and reconnect with these feelings?
I also really wanted to lose any sort of expectation or goal of mine. Instead, I wanted God’s will in this endeavor. While I can be a slow learner, I have come to see that this is always best. I asked God to show me how much he wanted me to eat and what he wanted me to eat to be the size that he intended me to be so that I could do the job that he would have me do.
This takes all of the pressure off. It is a relief to not be in charge. While I had all of these things brewing in my mind, I am still a human and afraid that it wouldn’t work so I didn’t say anything to anyone for a while.
Weight loss did occur. It was slow. I began to feel better though. But, the best gift of all was the fact that I began to be released from my food obsession. I can even report that there are days where I know that I need to eat and I can’t think of anything in particular that I want and I realize that I just need fuel—nothing more and that is okay and even good.
Two weeks ago, I went shopping for some fall clothes. I’ve worn a large or size twelve for so long that I didn’t even consider pulling a different size off the rack. When I tried them on it was obvious that they were too big. I went back and got a size ten. They fit. I couldn’t remember the last time that I wore a size ten. I wore those pants for a couple of weeks when someone said, “You really need to get some smaller jeans.”
These were the smaller jeans. I went back to the store and tried on a size eight. They fit. I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t been paying attention to size. I’m still flabbergasted. I keep expecting them to not fit the next time I wear them. But they still do.
Giving things up to God is so cool. I have no idea what size he intends for me to be and really, I don’t care. But, I am looking forward to seeing what work he has for me to share. Losing my obsession gives me more time with Him. It feels so good to bring another part of my life into order.
Let me pause here to say that before the doctors, nutritionists or food police decide to write me up for any infringements regarding eating for those who have health concerns, here is my disclaimer: this is just my experience. It’s not been studied or tested. My A1C levels are good. Not every situation is the same. Finally, talk to your doctor before you do anything.