Yesterday, I did a really dumb thing. I took my contacts out to rest my eyes and could not find my saline solution. Hoping that my daughter had left some of her solution behind, I ran to the upstairs bathroom. There, I found a small bottle that looked a lot like my saline bottle. But, because my contacts were already out and the print was so small, I couldn’t really be sure.
‘What else could it be?’ I thought in my haste. I poured the solution over my contacts, screwed the lids on and went to bed.
The next morning, I got up and slipped the right contact into my right eye and oh my holy hell...I can tell you with absolute certainty that what I used was not saline. I squeezed my eye shut, holding my breath and swaying around the bathroom trying to decide how I would pull this burning piece of fire out of my eye.
Once the contact was out and I’d flushed my eye, the trauma was not over. Throughout my day, tears poured. My eye was miserable and so was I. I left the office and went home. Maybe if I put a brand new pair of contacts in, I will feel better. At least I will be able to see a lot better, I thought.
I put the new contacts in and I was trying to decide if the eye felt better or worse. Then, I laid down on the bed and I began to pray. ‘Oh Lord, please help me. Please let my vision be saved from my stupidity. And, please tell me what to do next.’ Amen.
By this time, my husband was home and trying to decide where to take me. “Should we go to the ER for an eye or should we call our optometrist?”
“I’m not going anywhere, yet.” I said.
My mind was beginning to question whether or not I should have put the contacts in. My husband agreed that they should come out. So, I pulled them out, rinsed my eye and wedged some round cotton make-up remover pads behind my glasses to help me keep my eye shut. Then I took an anti-inflammatory. Soon, I started feeling better.
This morning as I was out walking the dogs (where I do my best thinking) I recognized the pattern of my behavior. Something happens and I want it to go away. I don’t slow down. I try to deny the problem in the hopes that it will simply vanish.
That has been the pattern in matters big and small. Denial is a really big river that runs through my life…I sat by it’s banks for a long time when active addiction was present. Today, I get cocky and think that I have moved beyond denial.
Yesterday proved that I am still me and I still need to ‘practice these principles in all my affairs.’ And, that my friends is the good news! I have tools. I have these life changing principles that remind me that I’m not God. And, since I’m not God, perhaps I should consult Him. Then I need to practice awareness. What is really going on here? What is God asking me to do about it? Then, I do my darnedest to follow His will.
Did you notice that shortly after I prayed, I knew what to do. Did you notice that I started feeling a lot better? Well, I did. It happens every time. I have to remember that every little thing should be guided by God’s hand. St. Ignatius confirmed this idea by training his Jesuit brothers to look for God in ALL things.
The best way to begin to recover me, is to put God back in charge. Check out this Examen prayer of awareness. It is another good tool that keeps God in the midst of my day.