In this series of posts, I wanted to share how three of my relationships have gone through a transformation. In each relationship, I had to ask God to help me see that relationship as it was in reality rather than the way that the relationship had been unconsciously disfigured by fear. Two weeks ago, we examined the relationship that we have with our with our addicted loved ones. Last week, we examined our relationship with God. Today I want to focus on our relationship with ourselves.
Often when I get on Facebook, I see posts in an entirely new way than I did before. I thought that everyone had these amazing event-filled lives. I thought ‘they’ had to have figured out the secret to a happiness. Since I’ve been in a program of recovery, I now see that Facebook posts are just a fraction of a life. This is what people are comfortable sharing.
I began to see many other things differently, as well. From the stickers people put on the back of their cars to the designer labels on our clothing. What story do we hope that these items tell? What do we think they mean for us? Do they somehow up our worth?
Until I began my 12-step program, it never occurred to me that I had a relationship with myself. When program friends asked me to take the focus off of my addicted loved ones and to place that focus on myself instead, I thought it was a selfish thing to do. But as I began to pay attention, I realized that until I took care of myself–until I learned to love myself, I was unable to love others well.
My friends told me to start with the basics. When I feel out of sorts: H.A.L.T. In other words, check in with myself by asking, ‘am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?’ It is imperative to take care of those basic needs first. Another friend asked me to do one thing gentle, loving and kind for myself each and every day. This didn’t have to be extravagant. It could be taking a walk or a bubble bath. It might be calling a friend to talk. The only rule was that it had to be for me alone.
I started there by taking care of my physical needs first. Then I heard other program friends talk about journaling. They encouraged me to write my feelings down. Writing helped me bring things to the surface that I wouldn’t have looked at unless I took the time to sit down and face what was keeping me up at night. Getting those feelings out and onto the page was like vomiting up the poison that was making me sick. Writing helped me begin to feel better.
Once I saw the need for good self-care and started to look within, it was time to evaluate what I believed to be true about myself? Why didn’t I see myself as worthy? Where did I over estimate my worth? And why? This is where a good 4th step inventory comes in. Similar to an examination of conscience, a 4th step also looks at your assets. And, done well you begin to learn the triggers of your character defects.
Over time, I began to see myself as what I now believe that I am: I am a child of God. I was uniquely made in his image and likeness. If I didn’t see myself in isolation from my creator, how could I see myself as anything but good? Should I be working on myself? Absolutely. But that essential creation that is me, is good. The ways in which I have marred that self with fear and shame, is where the work lies.
The addiction specialist Gabor Mate, MD believes that the one thing that heals addiction as well as trauma in general is connection. Our relationships are what 12-step work is all about. And the reason that I’ve written this series of posts is to dig into those relationships for the purpose of healing.
If we have an inaccurate picture of God and an inaccurate picture of self, how can that relationship be real and true? How can I feel enough love from inauthentic relationship to offer it forward to my addicted loved one? If I see them as their disease instead of their true essential selves, how can relationship survive?
My prayer for you friends, is that you begin the work of reevaluating who God is, who you are and who your addicted loved one is. Don’t let the enemy offer doubt or shame into this process. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Keep your ear tuned to heaven. And keep moving in the direction of love. Because love is what will heal us all.