It is Always True…
“Can you pray for someone to want, to want God’s will?” Startled, I wasn’t sure how to answer. My mind traveled back to a time when I’d wrestled with that very question myself. I had to pause and pray…
I was facilitating a professional development for spiritual directors on the topic of 12-step recovery combined with the spiritual exercises. I wasn’t expecting the questions that usually come from parents or spouses—those who are deeply affected by the addictions of others. Even after all of these years, the answer made me feel as if I was on shaky ground.
My silent pleas for assistance redirected my answer to something I didn’t really want or plan to discuss. I realized that I would have to face the fear head on:
“Let’s just take a moment and acknowledge the elephant in the room. People die from addiction. This is serious business. It is understandable why we grasp at straws. I used to wrestle with what I could or could not pray for on behalf of my loved ones. Perhaps I was still clinging to the illusion of control that I had over our situation.
I finally realized that wanting to pray for someone else to want God’s will—when God himself gives us all a choice whether or not we follow his will, came from a place of fear. To let go, I began to pray differently.
I had to limit my prayers to “Help Him, Help Me” or “Heal Him, Heal Me.” My simple prayer was an effort to trust God with the situation, no-matter-what. That’s about all that you can do. Trusting God with our loved ones comes from a place of love. Letting go of a loved one in this situation is never easy. But please remember this: ‘As long as there is breath, there is hope.’” I remember releasing the breath that I’d unconsciously been holding as I uttered the last sentence.
Telling the truth can be hard. It’s not what people want to hear. And it is no fun being a bearer of truth in these situations. Still, everyone deserves to hear what they are up against. Everyone deserves to be presented with what is real—remember that God is the way, the truth, and the life.
I get calls from a lot of people new to the 12-step world asking questions about 12-step meetings. Fresh out of ‘the real world’ it is hard for them to accept their powerlessness and the truth. But they deserve it. It really is their only path towards healing.
Recently I got a call from a family new to recovery. The alcoholic was still (probably unconsciously) trying to wiggle out of seeking recovery. The family was fighting with the alcoholic over what path to take.
They’d come to an impasse and so they called me asking for help. As a recovering people-pleaser, it took a few deep breaths, a may-day prayer and the ability to not care if they ever called me again to tell them the truth.
The truth is simple. A lie is complicated and convoluted. Instead of entering into their no-win argument, I simply asked the alcoholic if they wanted recovery. And I asked the family if they were willing to watch their loved one slowly kill themselves, reminding them that the only power they have is over themselves and what they are willing to endure.
Then I told them the truth: Unless the alcoholic wants recovery, you’re all wasting your time.
‘The real world’ is full of half-truths, alternative facts, spin and fabrication. There seems to be a growing fear of the truth. The truth isn’t always popular. It is always true and it ain’t going away.
It is my prayer that we begin to find the courage to face the truth.