I watched a documentary called “All the Queens Horses” about a lady named Rita Crundwell who was a city comptroller in the small town of Dixon Illinois. Rita lived alone and kept to herself. No one thought too much about it because she had a large horse farm and she stayed busy caring for and showing her horses.
Rita lived in Dixon her whole life. While everyone in town seemed to know Rita, few really knew her. After twenty years in her position, a co-worker discovered that she might be embezzling from the town. She took her suspicions to her boss who eventually contacted the FBI.
The FBI confirmed that both city employees were right to suspect a problem. But, when they told these two that Rita had been embezzling for twenty years to the tune of 53 million dollars, they were shocked. Dixon is a town of 15,500 people. It might be understandable how that sum of money could go missing without someone noticing in a large city, but how could a town of that size not miss the funds?
My thoughts kept returning to this documentary. It was astonishing yes, but why did I have to keep revisiting this situation in my mind?
If I look at Rita’s possessions, it’s clear to see that for whatever reason, she always felt the need for more. It is akin to the AA saying, “One drink is one too many and a thousand is never enough.”
Rita was enslaved (addicted) to her need to win and be acknowledged as a winner by her horse showing peers. That was easy to see.
And, since I know that at the root of all addictions is toxic shame, I realize she must have carried a boat-load of shame. With every action she took to continue her addiction, her shame grew because of what she did to feed the addiction. The shaming cycle is classic in addictions.
But, why do I catch myself looking down on this woman? That is the question of the day. You see in my program, we too have a saying: “If you spot it, you’ve got it.” What do I have that I see in this woman?
I began to try and discern where these thoughts were coming from… What bothered me the most was that I am shocked that someone would steal that much for that long and all for a bunch of trophies. Her town had failing bridges and roads. How could she do that?
Now, if you go back and repeat part of the last paragraph and use a scolding tone and point your finger, you will see that when I think that way, I am shaming her. And, those thoughts most certainly are not coming from God. Instead, I tend to think that they come from the enemy. ‘See, you’re better than her…’
Why do I do that?
Isn’t it enough to feel like I am enough because I am a child of God? Shouldn’t I feel sorry for this woman who must have felt so empty and utterly alone?
This is why I continue to attend my twelve-step meetings. You see, our program is one of self-discovery. I use it hand in hand with Ignatian Spirituality to help me recognize and sort where my thoughts are coming from. Then I can clean my house which allows me to keep God at the center of my life.
I am beginning to realize that we all share a human wound. It is something that requires constant care and abundant prayer.