I wonder if over-the-top portrayal of addiction frightens people enough to hide…
Often when I see a movie or tv show about addiction, I change the channel. I bristle when there is an over the top portrayal of the disease. It’s like hearing someone with no real knowledge of how a southern accent sounds trying to emulate it: they tend to exaggerate.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that addiction is a serious problem. I know that it often walks hand in hand with insane behavior. But in Alcoholics Anonymous programs, when people share their experience (How it was), strength (What happened) and hope (How it is now), if they put the main focus of their talk on their experience (or drunkalogue as it is commonly called), it lacks balance.
On television or in the movies about addiction the drunkalogue tends to be front and center. The drama contained in that portion of the disease is cinematic gold. But it can be frightening for families to face. To heal, we have to recognize the drama for what it is and begin our own individual work to heal from the effects of this disease.
When I watched this clip about Betty Ford and her family, the portrayal was good. It didn’t have to shout for our attention. They illustrated quiet moments of frustration for those living with active addiction. It felt authentic because they were able to illustrate that common roadblock to recovery that most everyone faces: denial.
“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.”
–Oscar wilde
Denial keeps us stuck
It’s been a long time since I had to find the courage to move beyond my own denial. Once I was willing to accept my reality as it was, everything changed. Sometimes I forget how the fear around facing our realities, paralyzes. Lately, I’ve observed program friends stuck. Usually, they have explicitly asked me to tell them the truth. When I do, they often pause and ask a different question as if I never answered the question that they’ve asked in the first place.
At first, I thought that I hadn’t communicated my responses clearly. Then I realized that they weren’t ready to hear them. It’s happened a few times in the last few weeks and I still don’t know how to help. I don’t know the answer to calling denial out.
When I Googled denial I see that it is an unconscious process fueled by anxiety. Then I saw this Jungian quote that was a perspective that I’d never considered before that aligned with everything my 12-step program promulgates.
“The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ — all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself — that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness — that I myself am the enemy who must be loved — what then? As a rule, the Christian’s attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say to the brother within us “Raca,” and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide it from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves.”
Carl Jung, Memories, dreams, reflections
How can I help someone in denial? If this is a protective measure and a roadblock to recovery, is there anything outside of prayer that can help them? If I go back to program basics, I share my experience strength and hope.
My Experience, Strength & Hope
Let me do that here: I have always struggled with my weight. Until last year, my weight had slowly inched up. Then I tried a program called Noom. For me, what Noom does best, is help me see my reality. When I eat beyond my calorie budget, I gain weight. When I stay within it, I lose weight. It is that simple.
If I’m not listing what I eat and how much I eat, I can easily deny the reality that I am eating too many calories. I don’t own up to ‘what is.’ Then I gain weight. It is a little insane. The mirror and the scales do not lie. So I avoid them. That way, I don’t have to face reality. But I also stay stuck. I stay sick. The moment I started weighing every day and listing what I eat, I started losing weight.
You are powerless…
To get to the point of truly wanting to lose weight, I knew that I would need help. So I get up each morning remembering that I am unable to do this alone. On my own power, I can’t. So I ask God for help and let go of that nagging noise that reminds me that chocolate ice cream is in my freezer. I do this day after day. Some days are good and some are not so good. But the one thing I will not do is stop getting on the scales each morning. I won’t bury my head again.
What hard thing exists in your life? What hard thing are you afraid to look at? I hope that you will take a deep breath, ask God to help you and then look at that situation. Don’t let it back you in the corner. Give it a name and face it. As addiction specialist Gabor Mate says, “The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.” Chew on that for a moment.