One of the best things about attending a twelve-step meeting is that you can talk about anything without fear or judgment. You will not have anyone wag a finger in your face and say, “Shame on you.” In fact, most of the time when I share, understanding heads will nod an affirmation of ‘I’ve been there too.’ It gives me such a deep sense of comfort that I lose the fear and shame that I might carried, the first time that I walked through that door.
A few weeks ago, a newcomer attended our meeting and as one member and another would share some of the difficulties that we who live with this disease face, he would audibly gasp as if he was shocked by such behavior. It really made me mad. I was so focused on this person that I can’t really remember what the topic of the meeting was.
As I was leaving, I said to my long-time friend of the program, “That guy really pissed me off.”
“What guy?” She asked.
“The one who kept gasping every time someone shared a difficulty.” I said.
“He’s new to the program. It may take him some time to take off the mask.” She said…with the wisdom and kindness that I lacked.
This is where the slogan, ‘You spot it, you got it.’ crept into my mind….
Shame is such a nasty thing. After looking it up, I learned that it is a mix of regret, self-hate and dishonor. The world often gasps at our struggles as if to say, ‘that struggle is beneath me.’ But, if we love ourselves enough and have true humility, we lower ourselves to those who find themselves in that vulnerable place and say, “There but for the grace of God, go I.”
They don’t do this out of kindness. They do it because they know that we are all human and we all have problems. The writer, Brene Brown said, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.
Awareness of my own behavior is key to my recovery. While I may have grown frustrated over the newcomer because I wanted to protect others who still felt vulnerable, I must be the accepting glance to that individual as well. He may have the hardest story of all.