No Advice. Just Experience, Hope & Strength

I’ve been 60 years old for an entire week. This one feels like a seismic shift. I can’t believe I’m looking down the barrel of my 70th decade, if I am so lucky… With this shift, I have a lot of feelings. Let’s face it, I always have a lot of feelings.

I’ve spent the better part of last week trying to process them. I’m grateful. I’m sad. I’m a bit angry. I’m feeling anxious. You see I can’t control this thing called aging. What I can do is flip it around and realize that I’ve been privileged to live for 60 years. And even though much of the world sees this age and stage as one that has done its job and needs to start shopping for rocking chairs for the front porch, I still have work to do. The question is do I listen to them or do I smile sweetly and keep moving forward?

One week in and I’ve decided to end the pity party and get back to work. Let’s dive in: I bet you’ve heard about the controversial graduation speech of Kansas City Chief kicker, Harrison Butler at Benedictine College in Kansas. I’ve heard a lot of comments on both sides of this particular controversy. I must admit, it’s had me stewing.

Let me offer you some context. I made the decision to stay home and have children. It was my decision. My husband’s job could support that decision and it felt like a great honor to choose motherhood as my vocation then, but at a certain point, I wanted more and so I went back to work.

Even though I made those choices for myself, I was bothered by his speech. I took a poll of friends to see if they were willing to share their honest-to-goodness views and I heard from friends who hated it and others who said he had a right to his beliefs and a right to stand up for them. Neither of these answers made me feel any better.

Then I realized what my beef with the speech was all about. I realized that my 12-step program was firmly in place. You see in our 12-step group for families, we don’t give advice. Giving advice suggests that we know enough about you and your particular situation to steer you in the right direction. Attempting to advise others suggests that I am trying to be the god of your understanding.

There is only one piece of advice that we do offer: Have you prayed about it?

The 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are all about relationships. The first three steps, restore order between you and God, the next three steps restore order within yourself, the next three steps restore order with you and your loved ones and the final three steps help maintain that order and help you to restore order within the world.

Ernst Kurtz, author of “Not-God: The History of Alcoholics Anonymous” says that every single one of those steps boil down to one idea: you are not God. This is a lesson that I have to remember in two different ways: I don’t need to offer advice unless I am asked and I don’t have to listen to unsolicited advice.

I should always pray. God knows me. He knows my situation. He knows my heart. He knows my desires and if I stay very close to him, I can discern his will for me. Society would lead you to believe that there are two sides to this controversy. I would agree that two sides are arguing about something that is none of my business.

My life is God’s business. My 12-step program taught me that everything else is just noise. If I choose to stay ordered and connected, I will find ease in all of the decisions that God and I make together.

You could argue that if our loved ones are under the influence of an addiction, we know better than them. This idea is a tough one to let go of. For me, I looked to a line in our meeting opening that says that ‘we don’t force solutions or we become angry and unreasonable without knowing why.’

This is where radical faith is so important. We have to trust our loved ones to God’s care. He found us and helped us. Why can’t he help our loved ones right where they are? Healing occurs when I get out of God’s way. When I allow my loved ones the privilege of walking their own path with God.

There is a famous line that is attributed to several different saints, “Preach the gospel often, but only when necessary use words.” The gospel will be shared when my life represents the teaching of Jesus.

We are a privileged group. We face or have faced situations that helped us let go of control. The rest of the world still struggles. The best that we can do is pray for them.