“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.”
Emily Post
Thinking of my southern grandmother immediately calls to mind the smell of warm yeast rolls, cooling on a kitchen rack, fresh out of the oven. But, it also reminds me of her ideas around how I should treat others. It didn’t occur to me until I was an adult that those ideas rarely had any regard for my personal well-being.
Honestly, I doubt that this trait is exclusive to southern grandmothers… I imagine it was just a part of the culture of a specific time. Still, it was unusually frustrating to me during my formative years. She used to tell me that if I wasn’t kind to my not-so-kind great aunt (her sister) who had no children, that she would haunt me when she died.
I assumed my part of being ‘the good christian.’ I did what she told me to do. But, I resented it. I thought that I had to always cast my gaze outwards; if I didn’t that probably meant that I was selfish. Being selfish is a terrible thing to be.
Focus on Manners is One-Sided
It wasn’t until I entered 12-step recovery rooms (for families) that I was asked what I’d done to take care of myself today. What a novel thought… I remember feeling shock and judgment mixed with want. I wanted to slow down and heal myself but would that mean that I was self-centered? Shouldn’t I, as the mom, put everyone else first? Wasn’t that the message that I’d received from not one but two generations of women in my family?
The answers to those questions is yes, yes and well, of course. When a tradition that looks pretty on the surface gets handed down, we rarely question it. Only when we get stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place do we slow things down and take a second look at the situation.
A couple of months ago, a friend sent me a message asking me to help look for the right way to approach a tricky situation. She felt called to attend an event with her children that she didn’t really want to attend. The event might trigger the children to the pain that they’d experienced in the past. To her, protecting her kids was the most important thing, but like me, those old southern ways of being kept whispering in her ear. She asked for guidance on what to do.
Like most people that call for advice, the answers bubbled up to the surface as she talked through the situation out loud. Hearing a friend confirm what she already knew deep in her soul, is a helpful part of the process of learning to trust yourself with your feelings.
“There’s nothing wrong with celebrating the good things in our past. But memories, like witnesses, do not always tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We need to cross-examine them, recognizing and accepting the inconsistencies and gaps in those that make us proud and happy as well as those that cause us pain.”
Stephanie coontz, historian
12-Step & Ignatian Spirituality Tools
12-Step (family) rooms are quick to bring your attention back to yourself. After all, we are the only person that we have control over. So what is it that we need to do to be healthy and sane? Have we checked to see if we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT)? Have we prayed about the situation or have we tried to fix it alone? Have we called a trusted friend?
This kind of direction is born of the knowledge that we can’t be there for others unless we’ve cared for ourselves. “Put the oxygen mask on yourself first…” we often say. Even Jesus says In Matthew 22:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. And the second is like it; ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
How many of us have glossed right over those two little words, ‘as yourself’? We do start with God, first but then you must take care of yourself. Only then will you will be in a better position to be God for others.
Balance was the missing element during my formative years. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. Sometimes, saying no to others is a life lesson that you both need. Choosing to do the hard things is hard; plain and simple. But it is necessary and it restores order in our chaotic lives.
There is no one-size-fits-all kind of answers to life’s problems. It is most important that we go to prayer first. Ignatian spirituality has a wonderful practice called discernment to help us look at our situation in a very methodical way. Discernment helps us to learn how the Holy Spirit is actively directing us through each situation in our lives.
I loved my grandmother. I even loved my crusty great aunt even though our relationship was complicated. She didn’t allow me to enjoy our relationship because it was one-sided. They set up too much responsibility on me–then a child, to keep her happy. In reality, this kept us all miserable. It isn’t my goal to bash her, it’s to say that if we’d had balance, it might have been a really fun relationship. It might not have been. But for not knowing how, I have regret.
I believe that the best gifts of the 12-step program and Ignatian Spirituality are they they help us to be aware. They help us to wake-up spiritually. It is such a gift. It is one that I love passing on to everyone that I meet. Life can’t be perfect. That doesn’t mean that we can’t get all that we can out of it.
Praying for You!