I remember the day that I showed up for my first ever 12-step meeting. I was early. No-one was there yet. I sat nervously outside the basement door of the Episcopal Church dreading the next hour. I did not want to be there. I did not want to be a member of this club.
One by one, members started to arrive. They were kind, welcoming and peaceful. Was I at the right meeting? This was a serious topic. Living with addiction is hard. Shouldn’t they be more solemn?
Once inside people spoke freely about the problems at home. I was on guard. I was used to the judgment that is often seen outside the doors of a 12-step meeting. As people spoke about the things that would normally get a shame-filled head shake or comments about how wrong their loved one’s action were, there was only quiet acceptance.
Over time, I grew to trust this room as a no-judgment zone. I knew that no matter what I said, there would be no eye rolls or stern looks about whatever concern I brought to the room. This became a place where I could breathe.
As I came to know the folks in the room, if I made a judgment about my loved ones they might remind me that my loved one’s journey is between them and God and that it was really none of my business. “Keep the focus on yourself. That is the only power that you have.”
It was hard to take my eyes off my loved ones at first. Weren’t they the ones with the problem? I didn’t do drugs or alcohol. Why did I need a program of recovery? My fellow 12-steppers were patient. “Keep the focus on yourself.”
Over time, I began to see my part in the family problem. In case you are wondering, we all have a part. I began to Open my Eyes to what I’d been doing. I started to realize that somehow, I’d forgotten that the 10 commandments were written for me to use in my life–not to try and impose on another life. That is not my business.
I learned that when I got in the business of others, I got in God’s way. When I kept the focus on myself, my loved ones had the space that they needed to work things out with God. I’d been so worried that if I didn’t tell other people that they were doing wrong, that I was somehow failing to teach them the difference between right and wrong.
What I forgot, was that scripture tells me that I am only responsible for one thing: to love them. As I did my own work, I grew closer to God. I began to trust him more. As my trust in God grew, I was able to let go of any expectation that I had for any other human being. Letting go of outcomes offers a great sense of freedom.
I could do this because I knew to the depth of my bones that it is love that heals. It isn’t judgment. It isn’t trying to control the behavior of others. It is trusting God and loving others. That’s it.
The next time you become nervous about the behavior of others, I challenge you to ask God to open your eyes to what you need to know about yourself. Work on that. Pray for your loved ones. Take a chance and trust God with others.
I believe that judgment is one of our biggest obstacles to healing. Judgment creates distance in relationships and nothing good ever comes when we become distant from others.
Well done, Jean. Such good advice. Essential, yet a challenge.
A very good reminder to keep the focus on ourselves. I especially like the paragraph about turning our own concern about our loved ones actions back to ourselves. I often find that I do well to take for myself the advice I wanted to give to another. Thanks for the article!