“My (loved one) doesn’t think that they have a problem. What do I do?”
Last week, a newcomer on our virtual meeting asked this question. It’s one that has been asked many times. Since we learn right off the bat that we are powerless over our loved ones and their addictions, we try very hard to steer away from giving advice. When we give advice, we are stepping in front of our higher power. The dis-order that this causes is what has brought many of us into these rooms in the first place.
Instead, we offer our experience, strength and hope. As we share our stories, I think the Holy Spirit guides us and we offer whatever nugget of truth the newcomer needs for that moment in time without ever realizing it.
“It’s not your problem. It’s theirs. It does affect you, but you only have control over yourself, your boundaries and your reactions.” We often say. But this can be a lot to take in. Instead we ask you to take your focus off of your loved one and place it back on yourself. If you can do that this might be your question instead:
“I have a problem trying to fix my loved one. What can I do?”
I’ve decided to offer a list to those who are new to this program of recovery to help them get started in this New Year:
- You are as sick as your secrets. Find a spiritual director or sponsor. Share your situation with a trusted individual. Don’t carry this burden alone.
- When you feel overwhelmed, HALT: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Many times, we’ve spent all of our time and focus hovering over our addicted loved ones so much that we have become depleted without ever realizing it.
- One of our old-timers often gives this challenge to our newcomers: do one thing gentle, loving and kind for yourself each day. You are a child of God. You deserve it. Plus this models good self-care to your family.
- Create a daily gratitude list. It helps you change your focus.
- If you can, separate the disease from your loved one. You can love them and stand up to the disease. It takes a lot of thought and prayer, but it can be done.
- Create boundaries. What do you need to feel safe? How will you allow others to treat you? How much are you willing to put up with? Take these things to prayer. Allow God to help you figure this out. Then reach out to a sponsor or spiritual director.
- Pray. If you want healing for your loved one, start with God. If you want healing for yourself, rely on God. Pray about every little thing. If you need help in this area check out Becky Eldredge, author of the Inner Chapel here:
- Last but not least find a meeting. Virtual meetings can be found anywhere. You can find links to these meetings on my resource page.
I hope this list will give you a leg up. It is my hope that this will be a year of healing for all of us!