I was at Ave Maria Grotto in Cullman Alabama on Saturday selling/signing my book. Sitting at the table next to me was a young author who wrote a book on anxiety. Since our books are in the same genre, it was fitting that we sat together. Seeing the name of our books, some people would walk a wide berth around our tables. Others approached cautiously. A few stopped and asked questions.
Some folks stopped by to tell me about their loved ones addictions. But, when I tried to offer them hope, they couldn’t see or accept it as a possibility. As the last person walked away, my fellow author looked at me and said, “Hope is hard.”
“Yes, it is.” I said. Still, her comment stayed with me. Why is hope so hard?
I came home and looked up the definition of hope online. This is what I found on Wikipedia: Hope is defined as a Divinely infused virtue, acts upon the will, by which one trusts, with confidence grounded on the Divine assistance, to attain life everlasting. Its opposite is the sin of despair.
12-Step programs understand this idea very well. They tell us, the minute that we walk through the door that we are powerless over our alcoholic loved ones(Step 1). Then they remind us that there is one who can help us(Step 2). When we lean on our own power, there is a feeling often buried deeply beyond our conscious mind that leaves a heavy blanket of dread and despair. When we are lucky enough to wake up to it we realize that hope isn’t possible on our power alone. This feeling leaves us miserable.It is our personal bottom. It is often where we find ourselves when we reach out for help–just like our addicted loved ones.
I scanned Brene Brown’s new book, “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience,” to look for the emotion of hope to see what she had to say about it. She says that, “Hope is a function struggle–we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times, but through adversity and discomfort.”
!2-Steppers understand this all too well. We use the image of a Butterly to symbolize the struggle that we go through. Remember that beautiful butterfly was once a caterpillar. The caterpillar had to completely change. It went through a process of dying to what it was to become what it will be. It had to make a decision to change. It decided to live by dying first.
In my group we go on to learn that if a well-meaning human tries to help the caterpillar escape his cocoon, it will not have the strength to fly that comes from the struggle to release itself from the cocoon. The decision to face the struggle involves trust. That is when we give up our illusion of power (Step 3).
Hope is hard. Ask any alcoholic or addict in recovery. Ask someone who loves them. But then ask them about their life once they trust God in the midst of the struggle. From cocoon to butterfly is quite a journey. It’s not limited to those who struggle with addictions. This is important for us all.
Many nights after my meetings, program friends will hang out to talk. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard them say, “I’m so grateful for this program. Can you imagine what life would be like without it?” We can’t. If you know someone who might need this message, please share it. Hope is hard. But, healing is finding a life that you never knew you had.