Holidays with Family: 5 Tools to Maintain Inner Peace

Christmas is a loaded time of year. There are so many expectations attached to this holiday that even in the best of circumstances, it can be hard to make it through the season without a few disappointments. When our families have been affected by addiction or even when our families don’t do their individual work necessary to be emotionally healthy, the holidays take on a whole new level of difficulty.

I thought I’d share a few things that you may already know but I wanted to put them out there to serve as a reminder that no matter how others behave, you have a choice on what behavior you are willing to accept. You get to decide what is acceptable to you.

Before we start on the list, let me give you something to ponder. The real gift of Christmas was a child. It was an act of love. We all love our family members as a matter of feeling or emotion. But how do we love them with our actions? I’d like to remind you that love is not all rainbows and sunshine.

Love often draws a line. Love says, I won’t help you continue a lifestyle that is harmful to you. It makes me uncomfortable watching it. Love comes from God–so stay connected. Then love dwells within you–are you practicing good self-love for yourself? Remember, you are modeling for your family members. If you want them to take care of themselves, take care of you. Finally, the way that you love others will come naturally if you are connected to God and self. Love is not afraid to do what needs doing.

#1: Keep the focus on yourself. This is where your power lies. Just because a loved one may be driving the crazy train, doesn’t mean that you need to get on and go for a ride. You have a choice. There is nothing wrong with walking away. For example, let’s say that your loved one has an unrealistic demand, that doesn’t mean that you have to engage. In the past, I would automatically begin to explain why their demand was unrealistic. Here’s the thing: less is more. “No.” is a complete sentence–or “No, thank you” if you feel particularly festive. Then walk away.

The point of keeping the focus on yourself is that you stop looking at the needs of others and look at what you want or need to feel safe or feel comfortable in your holiday event. Thinking of a few go-to responses ahead of time will help you in a heated moment when you feel off-balance.

Here are a few examples:

“Is that right?” This phrase says that you heard them. You don’t agree or disagree. You just listen.

“Huh…” Again, you are acknowledging that you heard them without committing to their demand or request.

“You might be right.” This is a tough one. But, it is one that doesn’t really require any action from you. It doesn’t mean that you think that they are right. It just states that it is possible that they could be right. Still it keeps you from engaging in an argument.

“I will need to get back to you on that.” This is one of my favorites. This statement buys me time before I accept or decline a request. It gives me time to pray about what to do next. If you are a people pleaser like me, you need this phrase in your back pocket at all times.

#2: Create boundaries ahead of time. Let me be clear about boundaries. They are not boundaries that you create for others. They are boundaries that you create for yourself. Since I can’t tell you (or anyone else) what they need, I’ll share a few prompts to help you create your own list of boundaries:

What do you need to feel safe? Start there. I call these boundaries dealbreakers. These are the things that you simply can’t abide with. Write these down. These are the boundaries that you should share with your family members. Prepare yourself mentally to have the courage to enforce them.

What do you need to feel comfortable? Now look at the things that are important to you but that have less of a life and death feel to them. If you’re not sure what these need to be, think of a time when you felt uncomfortable. What caused your discomfort? Let’s say a family member started engaging in a political conversation. You can choose to not engage. It can be as simple as, “I’m not talking politics.” and then walk away. You don’t have to announce these boundaries to others. Just write them down to prepare yourself in case a situation arises.

What do you want for your holiday season? Now we move on to wants. What are your goals or perhaps your dreams? It never hurts to reach for the stars. Maybe you want to cook less. Remember these boundaries for you. An idea would be to create a sign-up sheet for cooking and you put your name next to whatever dishes you are want to cook. Then you invite others to sign up if they wish. Try to avoid family meetings where you announce to everyone how things have to change. Instead, be casual. It can be as simple as, “Hey guys, I could use some help.”

Remember to say what you mean, mean what you say but do not under any circumstance, say it mean!

#3: Check your expectations at the door.

Stop watching Hallmark movies for heaven’s sake. Just kidding–sort of. If you are going to watch Hallmark Christmas movies, remember that nobody lives like that in reality. Real families are a mess and the mess is not cleaned up, put in a pretty package and topped with a bow in an hour and a half. It takes what it takes and often that is a lifetime.

The program tells us that expectations are just premeditated resentments. Remember that. And why should we have the right to have an expectation for others? We are all on our individual path towards God. We all screw up and we have no right to compare ourselves with others. If we are doing that, we might think about why we need to compare. Why can’t we see ourselves as good enough as a creation of God?

#4: Take time out to check-in with yourself. In recovery circles we have an acronym that we use to check in called HALT: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? If/when you feel yourself getting out of sorts, step away and check-in on yourself. When you’ve spent a lifetime gauging the feelings of others, it takes time to learn how to reconnect with yourself. It takes practice to begin to connect the dots between our behavior and our feelings. Like an Apple Watch helps you notice your activity level during the day, choose a time when you will stop and check-in with yourself. How are you feeling?

#5: Choose a friend ahead of time that you can check-in with if you need to. Remember recovery is all about relationships: to God first (steps 1-3), to self second (steps 4-6) and then to others (steps 7-9). While we should all start by asking God for help first, a program friend, a spiritual director or a trusted friend are always good to help you see your situation objectively. Sharing our concerns with a friend, begins the process of connection which is the anti-serum to secrets (We are as sick as our secrets). At this time of year, work it out ahead of time with someone as your go-to call when you are afraid to handle things on your own.

I hope that you find these tidbits helpful. Remember that you can take what you like and leave the rest. While I wholeheartedly believe that you can’t change another human being, I do believe that the changes that I make in myself have the power to change others. Change the stimulus, change the reaction.

I pray that each of you has a blessed Christmas and abundant hope carries you boldly into the New Year!