In 12-step rooms, you will often hear this slogan: “Expectations are just premeditated resentments.” This simple phrase helped me notice that I had unconscious expectations for the way that I thought that my loved ones should recover.
I always thought that expectations were a noble thing to have, much like a goal. Instead, this slogan offered a new perspective on the meaning of the word. It helped me to see that my expectations didn’t factor God’s will for the outcome, into the situation, or as 12-steppers say, I edged God out (ego)…
As the season of Lent began to loom near, I had the feeling that I needed to think outside the box when considering what to give up. I couldn’t see how giving up sugar was going to bring me closer to God. Please don’t take offense. Because anything that gets between you and God is worth sacrificing. However, sugar wasn’t ‘the thing’ that kept me from getting close to God’s will for my life. My expectations were.
God was giving me the grace to see that my expectations around my work and my hopes and dreams were getting in the way of His work. Somehow, I’d conflated my good intentions with results that I had in mind. I recognized that my expectations were another sneaky iteration of control.
I thought long and hard about it and so on the Tuesday just before Lent, I offered up my expectations and boarded a plane for Southern California. I’ve been traveling to this beach town outside San Diego for probably 20 years. My best friend’s family condo has been a respite for our family. It literally sits on the sand on the edge of the west coast of the United States. We often joke that it isn’t necessary to check the weather because it’s always sunny and 75 degrees.
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
Woody Allen
I have a feeling that when I offered up my expectations, that God said, ‘let’s just check to see if she means it…’ If you have watched any news anywhere, you know that Los Angeles got snow. You know that Southern California had record low temperatures and where it didn’t snow, it rained. Every activity that we planned to do outdoors was cancelled. And inside our condo, the pipes sprung a leak. We spent 2 1/2 days with plumbers.
I didn’t lose my cool–only because I was trying to be the observer. “What should I do now?” That became my question in the midst of our short stay. One thing cancelled. Then another. The answer became clear: pivot. Go somewhere else. So we got our flights changed and went to see our kids in Texas.
The big change that I experienced lies in the form of a question in bold print above. I was asking for help. I wasn’t trying to run ‘the Jean Heaton show’. The subtle shift puts God in charge of the situation. I’d been trying to do God’s job. This awareness of what I’m doing is key. We must remain vigilant what we are doing and who we are relying on.
To all of you out there watching a loved one recover, stop it. Quit staring at them. Put the focus back onto yourself. Their recovery is between them and God. It is none of your business. Your expectations around how and when they recover will make you nuts. Mind your business. That isn’t a slam. You have your own work with God that needs your attention. Mind that. What does God want you to do with your life?
Lent isn’t over. It is never too late. What do you need to give up to bring you closer to God and his will for your life?