Changing the Focus

I finished my walk with the dogs as I always do. I headed into the garage from the sidewalk and unleashed each dog, putting their harnesses into the cabinet drawer with all of their other accessories, all the while talking to them about getting a drink once inside. Usually, they are excited to find their water bowl and the tile floor in the bathroom to lay their bellies on until they cool off.

Instead, the standard poodle, Louis, took off running. I looked up to find that a neighbor had unleashed his Labrador retriever on the sidewalk right in front of my house. I’d seen them earlier on our walk. I’d crossed the street to avoid close contact as I am treat-training Louis to teach him to keep his focus on his me.

When I looked up and saw what had happened, I was so angry. This was not the first time that this neighbor has done this without asking. The dachshund, Lucy joined in on the chaos. She is small and older and so I ran after her. The neighbor stood there calmly and said, “It’s alright. They like to play.”

And in that instant, it was if I felt the spinning of the world slow down. My 12-step work seemed to click into place. As everything slowed down, I didn’t react. I just surveyed the situation: This man was standing at the edge of my property watching me run after my dogs all the while telling me that what was occurring was okay. No matter that I was worried about my little geriatric dog getting run over by the big dogs or the fact that the big dogs were chasing one another into the street or that he hadn’t asked me if it was okay with me.

I realized, in that moment that I could continue chasing after my dogs, furious with his behavior or I could change my focus to what I could do. So, I scooped up my little dog and walked over to the neighbor and said, “Leash your dog. I am on a schedule.” I turned around and called for Louis and shut my garage door.

I felt triumphant. I didn’t say it with anger. I didn’t feel guilty asking for what I needed. And I feel pretty certain that he will not cross my boundaries again. This might seem a small thing but for those of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families (which is most everyone), learning to care for yourself is huge. Creating boundaries and enforcing them is essential. 

What my neighbor did, is irrelevant. How I responded to his chaotic behavior is on me. I am a child of God. I am worthy of being heard. My feelings are valid. But it is completely up to me to learn to ask for what I need. 

This situation is not very different than living with an alcoholic. If I keep my focus on the alcoholic, I will always be running around chasing something that is out of control. But, if I bring the focus back to myself, I have options. There are things that I can do to take care of myself in the midst of the insanity.

“He who goes about to reform the world must begin with himself, or he loses his labor.” St. Ignatius of Loyola