Are We Disconnected from the Truth?

I used to watch the reality television program, “19 Kids and Counting.” Could you really disconnect from society and be as happy and successful as they appeared to be? Could you develop a system of rules that would keep everyone in line and insure success in the family? Well, it would certainly be nice if that would work out but I think we all know that the answer to that question is a resounding no.

What wasn’t clear in the reality tv program, but was spelled out in the Amazon Prime documentary that looked behind the scenes, called, “Happy Shiny People” about Bill Gothard’s Institute in Basic Life Principles is that the images that we saw on television were not organic, they were forced.

Gothard, who is a Christian fundamentalist and teaches about an umbrella of authority where God is the ultimate authority and the man/husband is directly under the authority of God, the wife is under the authority of the husband and and everyone else under the authority of the wife has never been married or had children. It seems ironic.

The Duggar and Bates families who both had very large reality tv families both followed these principles. Women were to obey the men in the family and according to their religious teachings, should be happy about it. The phrase often used was that they were to be ‘joyfully available’ to the men. To me, it seems a bit too close to the ‘Stepford wives’ vibe.

How does this relate to recovery–-you might ask?

Good question. Let me see if I can make the connection…

I believe that addiction is dis-ease, dis-order and disconnection in our relationships to God, self and others. The reality show shares a striking resemblance to how the public at large is disconnected to the reality of the problem of alcoholism in this country.

This post will focus on that disconnection. In cults, people are told what to believe. They are told what to feel. Forget what you see and hear. I will tell you what the truth is. Forget about your intuition. Forget about your feelings. They can’t be trusted. I know the truth, says the cult leader.

So let’s look at our intuition and feelings–these things that cults say we should ignore… The word ‘tuition’ is defined by Merriam-Webster as teaching or instruction. The word ‘in’ would suggest that it is teaching that comes from within. I think intuition is something that comes from God or the Holy Spirit.

Ignatius tells us to pay attention to our feelings. He encourages us to pray with our emotions as a way to begin the process of discernment. My feelings help me take care of myself. To me, my intuition and my feelings are life-lines to God and to self. They are a means of connection to the Holy Spirit. They are God-given resources to navigate this life. When someone tells me to throw away my life raft, I need to be wary of them.

I don’t have anyone in active addiction in my life right now. But sometimes, I am around behaviors that remind me of it. Or I am in a crowd where there is a lot of drinking. I am able to ‘live and let live’. What I am not able to do is be told not to be myself. I’ve come to realize that being asked to suppress my feelings and intuitions makes me sick. I’m not willing to do that anymore.

As an author of a book on recovery, I am often given a wide berth at a party. I guess everyone assumes that in the words of Frank Bank from the Father of the Bride movie that I am there to be the pooper of the party. I’m not. I’ve done a lot of work over the last 13 years. Gone are the days of preaching and emptying bottles.

I will mind my own business to the best of my ability. And if I get myself into trouble, I will slip away and call a friend who will talk me down. The problem I have is that most of the time, the world wants to keep me silent– as is referenced in Claudia Black, PhD’s “It’ll Never Happen to Me”, a book about dysfunctional families.

In this groundbreaking book she says that there are (3) common rules in dysfunctional families that I also see in public spaces and in groups (including the Church) everywhere: 1. Don’t Talk. 2. Don’t Trust 3. Don’t Feel. Does that sound familiar? Does that sound like disconnection?

Let’s think about any party you’ve ever been to. Active addiction can be in the room roaring through the crowd creating havoc everywhere. You’ve been to these kinds of events. You know what they look like and how they go. You know that there are always casualties. Family members are hurt. But honestly so is the alcoholic or addict.

What I’ve noticed lately is that heaven and earth is moved to be sure that I (I am not just referencing me personally. I am referring to anyone who espouses recovery) don’t say anything–even when I have no intention of saying anything. The crowd at large can be like the dysfunctional family. They can be like the cult. Don’t talk about it. Don’t trust. Don’t feel. Keep these things hidden…

But the out of control alcoholic who is hurting others is ignored. It is what they do. We just keep serving them drinks. Openly accepting that behavior. Quieting the behavior of recovery…

I used to watch the show Mad Men about advertising agents on Madison Avenue in New York City. They would start drinking at 10am and they drank all day long. It was the culture at their office.

One day, the ad agents had a meeting and an agent named Freddy was so drunk that he urinated on himself before an important meeting. He was sent away. A line was crossed. It seemed an arbritarty line. Because all of the sudden, his drunken behavior was no longer acceptable. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. This was bound to happen. What did they expect?

The out of control alcoholic at the party will either seek recovery or they will no doubt cross some sort of line. It will be a point of no return. Then we will all be shocked. But, why? Because we’ve been disconnected from the truth. We’ve refused to hear from those in recovery.

This epidemic problem is destroying lives. It is destroying families. It often accompanies suicides.

What can we do to change the dynamic? How can we affect change?

We keep talking. I’m going to keep talking. I hope you will too. People suffer addictions. We can’t sit by and do nothing. That doesn’t mean that we change them. It means we change us around them. If you are at a party and you are uncomfortable with the behavior of someone else. Leave. Honor your feelings. You are not required to be polite. Stay true to you. Believe it or not, allowing the alcoholic to feel the natural consequences of their actions may help them seek recovery. Stop ignoring bad behavior.

We keep feeling. Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel. Only you and God know how you feel. If you feel many feelings at once, ask for help in parsing them out. Get a feelings wheel. If you don’t know what to do with all of those feelings, ask for help. Ask for guidance. Get a spiritual director. Talk to a priest. See a counselor. Talk to someone. Pray with these feelings. Ask God what they have to teach you.

Keep Trusting. Trust God. Trust Yourself. Stay connected to God. Stay connected to self. Stay connected to others. We are as sick as our secrets is a good guide. We get better when we expose the secrets to the light. The more you trust, the more you trust.

I think this is an important post. I hope you will share it with others. We have to change things. Lives are at stake. Families are at stake. I think the Church is at stake. This is a post about disconnection. What is your family disconnected from? What is your Church disconnected from? What truths exist in your area that no one is talking about? That my friends, is the best place to start.