Transfer of Energy

The morning started out slow. A glance out the window revealed heavy gray clouds hovering over naked trees standing in frost-bitten straw colored grass. The colors of winter bleed together seamlessly setting a somber mood for the day. As I made myself some coffee, I tried to accept that winter is only eight days in with eighty days remaining.

By the time I’d finished breakfast, the sun did the unthinkable on this cold day and parted the clouds. I felt a sudden burst of energy. I started creating lists of things that I’d hoped to accomplish and finished my morning chores in a flash and was bathed and dressed in record time.

The sun energizes me. Always has. Probably always will. And while I think that most people just generally feel better on a sunny day, it’s important to note those sources of positive energy.

Stable Recovery

I visited an amazing place called Stable Recovery at Taylor Made Farms in Lexington, Kentucky a few weeks ago. They accept men who have a little recovery under their belt, enrolling them in their Horsemanship 101 program that is uniquely combined with continued recovery resulting in good jobs in the horse industry and a high rate of long-term recovery once the year-long program is completed.

While I was waiting to meet with the CEO of Stable Recovery, a young lady sat at the table with me and my friend. She was in the new women’s program at Spy Coast Farm also in Lexington and under the umbrella of Stable Recovery. Since I’m married to an equine veterinarian (horse doctor) I was curious about her background and what she thought of this new program. We chatted over coffee.

Horses Helping Humans

Turns out, she’d ridden horses before and so she had a leg up in understanding the horse husbandry side of things. “Tell me about the experience of working with horses while in recovery.” I said. A wide smile pushed away the tentative look she’d been wearing that morning.

“It’s just so life-changing…” Her voice trailed off, then she held up a hand to indicate she needed a moment, tears filling her eyes. “I’m sorry.” She muttered. “No, no apologies.” I said. She took a moment to collect herself and then said, “Horses just offer this, this transfer of energy that I didn’t have access to before.” The moment, those words tumbled from her mouth, I had to stop her and write them down.

I’ve been pondering them ever since we met. There is something about a horse. Working alongside my husband for all of these years I’ve seen it before. They can touch the human heart so easily. We are just beginning to learn how much of an effect they have on humans especially with the growing use of equine therapy. And maybe they can teach family members a thing or two about recovery as well.

The Family Role in Recovery

I’ve been working with families affected by the addictions of loved ones for a really long time. Our part (the family) in recovery is often difficult for newcomers to pin point and understand. I’ve always thought that our recovery (the family member’s) has an indirect effect on the addict or alcoholic.

But lately, I’m beginning to see how much more important and maybe far-reaching the family effect really is. While I still firmly believe that you cannot cure, control or fix another human being, you can provide one of two kinds of environments. You will transfer energy to your loved ones. The question becomes, which kind of energy will you transfer?

A. Toxic: a shame-filled and fear-based environment suitable for addiction to thrive in offering negative energy.

B. Healthy or Loving: a loving, unconditional positive regard kind of environment that offers clear boundaries, clear communication that allows recovery to thrive by positive energy.

Remember my new friend said that the horse provided energy that she didn’t have access to?

How can you create that healthy kind of environment or energy? You work your own program. In doing your own work, you will learn how to master resentments and outgrow fear–just like your addicted loved ones will. Fear, shame & resentments are the antithesis (opposite) to recovery.

Fear, Shame & Judgment are the enemy, not your loved ones.

What Family Members can Learn from the Horse

The famous horse trainer Ray Hunt (inspiration of Buck Brannamen/Horse Whisperer) used to say, “The horse will teach you, if you will listen.” The horse watches you in the moment. He doesn’t know your past. He doesn’t know your mistakes. He just sees what he sees in this moment. And he will mirror your behavior.

He’s looking for safety. As a prey animal, he is always scanning his environment. I’ve started to marvel at how similar horses can be to humans. Aren’t we always (unconsciously) looking for safety? Are we always looking to be accepted and or loved?

Family members, you create an environment based off of the energy you put out into the world. Take a look at yourself. What kind of energy are you emitting? Is it fear-based? Does shame cloud your judgment? Or are you able to quiet those demons?

If you’re still struggling with your own fear, shame and judgment, your loved ones will feel it. You will emit that energy. It will create a distance between you and your loved one. In a fear-based, shame-based, judgmental space your energy is toxic–even though I know it is the last thing you would intentionally do. This is where you can change things for your family. This is where your power lies.

Al-Anon can help you do your own 12-step work. Therapy can help. Prayer and meditation will help. Recovery is for everyone. I hope you understand the stakes.

If you have any questions–and I do mean any, please list them in the comments. Recovery can change your relationships. Recovery can change the world.

If you’d like to learn more about Stable Recovery or offer a donation to this great organization, click on this link.